Google autocomplete describes the AFC East
Our lives are run by the internet at this point, and not the other way around. Six years ago, Grant Brisbee (for my money, one of the top handful of sportswriters in the business anywhere) did an exercise where he ran a Google search for every starting player (starting lineup and rotation) in baseball and gave us the most interesting/funniest results.
Because we’re in a slow time — made even slower by the fact that who knows if we’ll even have football — I figured I could shamelessly rip off that conceit for football. So over the next eight days, one division at a time, we’re going to see what Google thinks of the most notable fantasy names on each football team — quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, and tight ends who might matter — plus the team’s head coach and the team itself.
Here’s what I did:
Opened Google up in a private Chrome browser.
Typed a name, then each letter in succession. Chrome gave 10 results for each letter (sometimes fewer for the rare letters), and I picked the most interesting one or ones. (“Most interesting” is key, because otherwise it would all be “stats” and “fantasy” and “draft” and such.)
Some players have boring results! There are only so many things you can search for about, say, Marqise Lee. Other players, either by virtue of their personality or their name being a common combo, are far more interesting.
Today, the AFC East:
Buffalo Bills
Team name:
Body lotion
Wide right
So we have a reference to a 30-year-old scary movie, and a reference to Silence of the Lambs. (Zing!) “Buffalo Bill” had a big time in the early ‘90s, but in a weird way.
Head coach Sean McDermott:
Attentive
Grey’s Anatomy
Looks like Ron Howard
So there’s another Sean McDermott who is apparently the “chief people officer” at a company called Attentive, which (a) I did not know what a company, and (b) I did not know was a job. I like the idea that it’s just a description of Sean McDermott, though. Another Sean McDermott was also a kid who appeared in one episode each of Without a Trace and Grey’s before not acting anymore. And the Ron Howard reference …
That one’s actually about him.
Quarterback Josh Allen
Is tall
Overthrow
Potato
“Is tall, overthrow” is actually a pretty solid scouting report on Josh Allen. Get that, and you have what I think were all his pros and cons entering the 2018 draft. Meanwhile, “potato” is a reference to Allen having some really, really bad art skills and trying to draw the Bills logo.
Quarterback Jake Fromm
And State Farm
Turkey call
Have they agreed on a sponsorship deal yet? And also, apparently Jake Fromm is a master turkey caller, which is … well, it’s a thing, I guess. I wonder if he and Devlin Hodges could go bird hunting together.
Running back Devin Singletary
Mike Singletary related
The internet sincerely believes any two people with the same name are related. You can probably find questions about whether Julio Jones is related to, I don’t know, Catherine Zeta-Jones if you look hard enough. So I don’t guess this is that crazy. But in case you were wondering, no.
Running back Zack Moss
Ave Maria
Comedian
Is Randy Moss son
(See what I mean about players being related to other players?) There is a Zack Moss who is the men’s basketball coach at Ave Maria University, which as it turns out is a real place in Florida and not, like, what Pavarotti says his alma mater was during NBC game intros.
I have no idea why “comedian” is on there.
Wide receiver Stefon Diggs
Crying
Diva
Lizzo
Okay, so Google isn’t very nice to Stefon, but then people get unnecessarily mean to players perceived to have attitudes. I’m most interested in the Lizzo entry here, which is not a story I remember about her citing a “new man on the Minnesota Vikings” in “Truth Hurts.”
Wide receiver John Brown
Abolitionist
Did nothing wrong
Ethan Hawke
Hind parts
This exercise is most fun when a player shares a name with a famous figure, in this case 19th century abolitionist John Brown. That accounts for the first three bullets there (Ethan Hawke plays him in The Good Lord Bird later this year). The fourth? Surely you remember that scene in Remember the Titans.
Wide receiver Cole Beasley
New England Patriots
Of course.
Tight end Dawson Knox
Angry run
Beast mode
Counting the playoffs, the rookie Knox played 16 of a possible 17 games as a rookie. Despite that, he had only 28 receptions for 388 yards. But in Week 3, he broke off a 49-yarder against the Bengals that apparently reminded half of Google of a certain legendary Marshawn Lynch run. And while it isn’t quite that, man he made some Bengals defenders sad on that play.
Miami Dolphins
Team name
Last playoff win
You never want this to be one of the things that pops up when your team gets searched on Google. Why? Well, they’re never asking that question about the Patriots, the Seahawks, the Steelers. But the Dolphins? Their last playoff win came Dec. 30, 2000, in the AFC Wild Card game against the Colts. That year, the Patriots went 5-11. In that last win, Lamar Smith ran for 209 yards. It was a long time ago, is what I’m saying.
Head coach Brian Flores
Terry Crews
Uh, yeah, they look alike.
Quarterback Tua Tagovailoa
Full name
Ukulele
I mean, I know he’s Hawaiian, but surely Tua’s first name isn’t that … Tuanigamanuolepola Tagovailoa. Okay, yeah, glad he’s shortened that. And come on, don’t play into stereotypes, just because he’s Hawaiian doesn’t mean he plays the ukulele … oh, wait, no, he does that too. Okay then.
Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick
Amish rifle
Harvard
Wayfair
Hey, Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, have you heard? Meanwhile, I love Amish Rifle as a nickname for him, and if that’s common I’ve just missed it. And then there’s the fact that the director of furniture, décor, and textiles category management at Wayfair is named Ryan Fitzpatrick, and I hope he’s just as cavalier in his job as the Amish Rifle is in his.
Running back Matt Breida
Cheetah
I think it’s hilarious that there’s a mini-controversy between Breida and Tyreek Hill for this nickname. I hope it blossoms into a full-fledged rivalry.
Running back Jordan Howard
Missing
oh no i hope they find him
Running back Patrick Laird
Game of Thrones
Cello height
So apparently there’s another Patrick Laird, who (a) plays the cello, and (b) did the Game of Thrones theme song with his cello-rock ensemble Break of Reality. Really would have put money on the Dolphins guy being the most interesting Patrick Laird out there, and would’ve been wrong.
Wide receiver DeVante Parker
Pro Bowl snub
Honestly, this isn’t that crazy an entry — Parker would have been a totally acceptable Pro Bowler in 2019. It’s just … man, flash back a year and tell someone this is a common autofill for Parker. Who saw that coming?
Wide receiver Preston Williams
Elementary
Dr. Preston L. Williams Jr. Elementary School is in Urbana, Ill., and named after the school district’s first African-American superintendent. That’s cool. I learned a thing.
Wide receiver Allen Hurns
Ankle injury slow motion
Y’all are sick.
Tight end Mike Gesicki
Is married
I mean, pro athletes tend to be better-looking people, just by virtue of being in shape, but surely Mike Gesicki isn’t that attractive that we all need to be this thirsty for … oh. Nope, that’s a pretty man.
New England Patriots
Team name
Are from where
C’mon, y’all.
Head coach Bill Belichick
As a kid
Offseason simulator
Urban Dictionary
I never knew how much I wanted to know about Bill Belichick as a kid before this. I feel like he was either an enormous troublemaker or, like, exactly what he is now to a tee. Meanwhile, um, please do not look up Bill Belichick on Urban Dictionary. Feel free to play Jon Bois’ Offseason Simulator, though! It’s fun!
Quarterback Jarrett Stidham
Quarterback Brian Hoyer
Is Jarrett Stidham good
Is Brian Hoyer good
That’s the question, isn’t it?
Running back Sony Michel
Teeth
I do not recall Sony showing off his teeth for Jimmy Kimmel.
Running back James White
Apologist
Eternal subordination
Both of these are about a Christian apologist also named James White, who basically defends Christianity against criticism, but I like to pretend it’s about the Patriots guy, and he just feels the need to apologize for a lot of things. (I will not be exploring “eternal subordination” in this context, because it leads to some very questionable slavery tangents.)
Running back Rex Burkhead
Grandparents
Where does Rex Burkhead live
It’s here that I started wondering about my incognito searches, because I think it’s still using my location. (Listen, I don’t know computers.) Rex Burkhead grew up in Winchester, Kentucky, about 20 minutes from me. I can’t think of any other reason why his grandparents and where he lives would be a popular search other than thinking I must want more information about someone near here. If my location has corrupted my efforts, I beg your forgiveness.
Wide receiver Julian Edelman
Going to Bucs
Going to Tampa Bay
Traded to Bucs
To Buccaneers
Do you sense a trend? I sense a trend.
Wide receiver N’Keal Harry
Breaks backboard
N’Keal Harry is big and strong and good at basketball.
Tight end Matt LaCosse
Is Matt LaCosse playing tonight
Net worth
I want to find a way to reverse engineer these searches, find the people who were so desperate they needed to find these things out, and get them help.
Tight end Ryan Izzo
And Larry Izzo
And Tom Izzo
Humans have a desperate need to find patterns in things.
New York Jets
Team name
Jokes
Poor Jets.
Head coach Adam Gase
Eyes drugs
Rich as f
Taco Titanic
Vladimir Putin
Crazy eyes, funny videos, inappropriate comments, and comparisons to dictators. Ladies and gentlemen, the Jets!
Quarterback Sam Darnold
I see ghosts
I kind of feel bad for Darnold. I imagine the day after that game against the Patriots last year was miserable for him, because as soon as he realized the cameras had caught him saying the ghosts thing, he knew it was going to follow him for the rest of his life. It’s his Buttfumble. Poor Jets.
Running back Le’Veon Bell
Coming back to Steelers
Hugh Hefner
WW2
I don’t think he’s coming back to the Steelers. I do not want to listen to his “Hugh Hefner” song. (I heard Le’Veon’s song “Focus,” and that was more than enough for me to get what I need out of his music career.) And Bell and Alejandro Villanueva doing voices for Call of Duty: WWII is … like a modern dude’s mad lib, and that’s weird.
Running back Frank Gore
Eagles legend
Inconvenient truth
Frank Zappa Tipper Gore quotes
Okay, so this is delightful. Al Gore was very frank in his documentary. Frank Zappa mocked Tipper Gore. Who saw that coming? I didn’t.
Also, hahahahaha to the Eagles thing. Love it.
Wide receiver Denzel Mims
Scared of Philly
Mims should be glad he ended up in the AFC, because after telling reporters he was scared of Philly, every single road game at the Eagles in his career is going to be a nightmare.
Wide receiver Breshad Perriman
Quiz
Um, what exactly would be in a Breshad Perriman quiz? That would be the most boring Sporcle page of all time.
Tight end Ryan Griffin
Back seats and burnt CDs
Hey, did you know there’s a country singer named Ryan Griffin? I did not.
Tight end Chris Herndon
Fingers
Okay, did you know Herndon was born with 12 fingers? I did not know that. That’s weird.