Finding the cross-sport champion
I have this dream of there one day being a cross-sport pro league, with one entity owning a baseball, football, basketball, and hockey teams, and there being some grand cross-sports championship. Like, yes, there’s still a Stanley Cup and a Lombardi Trophy, but there’s also a four-sport champion crowned at the end of each pre-determined period, like the Capital One Cup on steroids.
(Side note: Did you know the Capital One Cup still exists? That’s amazing! I love when things refuse to go extinct despite the entire world completely forgetting about them. I call it the American Dad Rule.)
Now, this is essentially impossible for any number of reasons. (But man, imagine cross-sport trades. Imagine the Dallas contingent deciding the Rangers can tank for a couple of years, so they trade Joey Gallo to the Red Sox, and in exchange the Celtics send Jayson Tatum to the Mavericks. Even though it’s impossible, it would be amazing.) But how about the next-best thing: Partnerships.
Obviously, the markets where there are four teams make this easy — the Boston area has the Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots, and Bruins; Arizona has the Cardinals, Suns, Coyotes, and Diamondbacks. And you have to fairly arbitrarily figure out how to pair off the New York and Chicago and Los Angeles teams when they double up. But if you’re creative and not too devoted to regional designations at all times, you can make 30 foursomes.
You will, however, end up with two extra NFL teams and one extra NHL team, which would make for a very entertaining relegation idea that I might dive into later. But over the next few days, I want to pitch the idea.
Thirty groups. 120 teams. Sorry, Cincinnati Bengals, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Edmonton Oilers, you get left out. Not my fault your leagues have more teams than the others and you couldn’t find a home. (And yes, it will make sense why the Bengals don’t get a home but the Reds do.)
And then a ranking. To sort them out, I took each team’s won-loss record over its last full season and combined them. Yes, this means every win an NFL team gets matters more than every win for an MLB team, but (a) so does every loss, and (b) listen, you try to balance a 16-game schedule against a 162-game one. It’s messy. (NHL teams get full wins and full losses, no partial-credit for OT losses or anything. NFL teams get half a win and half a loss for ties.)
That gives you a four-team winning percentage (low: .326; high: .620). But to give teams extra credit for making the playoffs in their given sport, the winning percentages then get an arbitrary postseason bonus: a boost of 0.010 for losing in the first round of the playoffs (Wild Card round in NFL or MLB), 0.020 in the second round, 0.040 in the third round, 0.080 in the championships, and a bump of 0.160 for winning it all. Arbitrary and unscientific? Sure. But it works for these purposes.
Imagine how much fun this could be. The Nationals and Wizards working together. The Dolphins supporting the Heat. Depending on when you start and stop a given four-season schedule, we could get to, for example, the NBA and NHL playoffs with the Stanley Cup up for grabs, the NBA championship out there, and then who knows, maybe the Raptors can seal the Cross-Sport Championship with a run to the conference finals? It would be a riveting addition to the proceedings.
Over the course of this week, I’ll break down the rankings. Today, the groupings. And just for fun, each grouping is named after a good piece of fiction set in its hub.
(A caveat: Yes, I’m not including the WNBA or the MLS. I am not discounting them as sports, but neither league has enough teams to include in this without throwing everything out of kilter.)
Good Will Hunting (Boston)
New England Patriots
Boston Red Sox
Boston Celtics
Boston Bruins
Bill Simmons’ heart just skipped a beat. It’s an obvious foursome, and a heck of a way to get things started.
25th Hour (New York Pt 1)
New York Jets
New York Yankees
New York Knicks
New York Rangers
As I hinted at above, the New York teams were sorted out randomly. But it’s fitting that the Jets and Knicks are together, right? I should really stack the deck and force them to join up with the Mets too.
Ghostbusters (New York Pt 2)
New York Giants
New York Mets
Brooklyn Nets
New York Islanders
Also fitting: Pairing the Mets, Nets, and Jets. But oh well, the New York group is tough to sort out any way other than randomly.
The Sixth Sense (Philadelphia)
Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia Phillies
Philadelphia 76ers
Philadelphia Flyers
I know, I know, it’s an arguably unfair stereotype. But man, the fanbase if all four of these teams go in the tank at the same time? It would be epic.
White House Down (Washington, D.C.)
Washington football team
Washington Nationals
Washington Wizards
Washington Capitals
Some of these groupings are really the haves and have nots. The Nationals were great and the Capitals good, while the Wizards and the football team are … less so.
Bad Boys (Miami)
Miami Dolphins
Miami Marlins
Miami Heat
Florida Panthers
Being in Miami would be a fun life. Good thing, because these are not very good teams.
Canadian Bacon (Toronto)
Buffalo Bills
Toronto Blue Jays
Toronto Raptors
Toronto Maple Leafs
The NFL has no Toronto teams, but Buffalo’s not even a two-hour drive away, and really, New York would probably let Canada have the city anyway if they asked nicely. (This leaves the Sabres orphaned. More on that later!)
Magic Mike XXL (Tampa)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay Rays
Orlando Magic
Tampa Bay Lightning
The NBA has to be difficult and not put a team in Tampa. Orlando’s close enough. A bunch of Florida men all messing around in Tampa and Orlando. Fun times. (God it makes sense that Gronk is in Tampa now.)
Logan Lucky (Carolina)
Carolina Panthers
Cincinnati Reds
Charlotte Hornets
Carolina Hurricanes
There will be a baseball team in North Carolina someday. Frankly, it’s kind of weird baseball has a big black hole in that region to begin with. But for now, there’s an easy three-team Carolina coalition needing a fourth, and while the Reds aren’t a perfect fit, it’s as close as baseball comes.
Major League (Cleveland)
Cleveland Browns
Cleveland Indians
Cleveland Cavaliers
Columbus Blue Jackets
Columbus is farther from Cleveland than Buffalo is from Toronto (barely), but come on, this is only logical. Also, the NHL is being unnecessarily difficult by having a team in Columbus when Cleveland is right damn there.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (Chicago)
Chicago Bears
Chicago Cubs
Chicago Bulls
Chicago Blackhawks
The only question here was whether to give the Cubs or White Sox to the main Chicago unit, and it obviously isn’t very fair, the Cubs are the more iconic Chicago team. Easy call.
The Wire (Baltimore)
Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Orioles
Oklahoma City Thunder
New Jersey Devils
With the Nets off to Brooklyn to be a New York team and the Giants and Jets falling under that domain as well, the Devils had to be left to their own devices to find a home. The good news is that Baltimore isn’t that far away, so that’s not a disaster. The Thunder? Well, that one’s tougher. Good luck finding a Baltimore-area NBA team that doesn’t have an obvious home elsewhere.
8 Mile (Detroit)
Detroit Lions
Detroit Tigers
Detroit Pistons
Detroit Red Wings
Thanks for being easy, Detroit!
Trouble with the Curve (Atlanta)
Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta Braves
Atlanta Hawks
Winnipeg Jets
There isn’t an obvious NHL team to put in the Atlanta coalition, so the next-best thing is to put the team that was most recently in Atlanta with the group. (Geographically, the Jets would actually make more sense in the Milwaukee grouping that we’ll get to shortly, but there are some further Canadian NHL teams that need a home.) (Also, sorry for lumping you with an awful, awful movie, Atlanta.)
Country Strong (Nashville/Memphis)
Tennessee Titans
Chicago White Sox
Memphis Grizzlies
Nashville Predators
Like Carolina, it’s on the weird side that MLB hasn’t gotten to Tennessee. But the White Sox were left unaccompanied after Chicago grouped off, and they at least have a tenuous Tennessee connection, with the Nashville Sounds serving as their AAA affiliate for a while in the ‘90s. Ultimately, this isn’t a perfect match, but they can’t all be exact.
Fences (Pittsburgh)
Pittsburgh Steelers
Pittsburgh Pirates
San Antonio Spurs
Pittsburgh Penguins
The NBA is somewhat frustrating for this exercise, as they eschew some cities you’d normally assume would have a major sports presence. (I don’t know if that’s a demographic decision or a financial one or a just-one-of-those-things one.) So the best I can do here: The three teams in Pittsburgh are helpful for being unique in already somewhat being a coalition — they’re the only three-sport city where the teams all follow the same basic color scheme, black and yellow. And while the Spurs aren’t rocking the yellow, they do have black, and they have a somewhat Pittsburghian reputation as the salt-of-the-earth team. Listen, it isn’t perfect.
Hoosiers (Indianapolis) (sort of)
Indianapolis Colts
San Diego Padres
Indiana Pacers
Montreal Canadiens
Listen. Baseball and Hockey aren’t in Indiana. The Padres are all alone in San Diego now that the Chargers are gone. The Canadiens are all alone in Montreal now that the Expos are gone. So the process here was “Well, the Colts and Pacers are together,” followed by a massive shrug.
The Mighty Ducks (Twin Cities)
Minnesota Vikings
Minnesota Twins
Minnesota Timberwolves
Minnesota Wild
An easy one. Next!
Mr. 3000 (Milwaukee)
Green Bay Packers
Milwaukee Brewers
Milwaukee Bucks
Calgary Flames
So Winnipeg probably would have made more sense here than with Atlanta, except that (a) then Atlanta would have been even harder, (b) Winnipeg is still an 11-hour drive from Milwaukee, and (c) Calgary’s location is going to suck regardless. So you get what you get, NHL.
A Streetcar Named Desire (New Orleans/St. Louis)
New Orleans Saints
St. Louis Cardinals
New Orleans Pelicans
St. Louis Blues
The NHL and NBA have New Orleans. The NHL and MLB have St. Louis. In most instances where the leagues are split like that they don’t fit together so jigsaw-puzzly, but this one works out well enough that I’m comfortable making the union.
Dallas Buyers Club (Dallas)
Dallas Cowboys
Texas Rangers
Dallas Mavericks
Dallas Stars
If this idea were ever to come to fruition, it’s more likely that we’d get only the cities/hubs that do have four-sport presence — Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Miami, Cleveland, Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, Dallas, Denver, Phoenix, Los Angeles, San Francisco. It just makes more sense. But that’s boring!
The Wizard of Oz (Kansas City)
Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City Royals
Utah Jazz
Buffalo Sabres
The Jazz don’t have a logical accompaniment, but then the NBA hasn’t been in Kansas City in 35 years, so there ya go. And the Sabres … once the Bills defected for Toronto, the Sabres were left to hope to land somewhere, and this is the best they could do.
Apollo 13 (Houston)
Houston Texans
Houston Astros
Houston Rockets
Ottawa Senators
It’s fairly comical lumping Ottawa in with Houston, but then once you get past Dallas (who already has a home), the NHL doesn’t have a Texas presence, and the next-“closest” teams (Phoenix, Colorado, St. Louis, Nashville, and the Florida teams) all have logical homes. So welcome to Texas, Ottawa. You can probably make a “fish out of water” movie about this.
The Shining (Denver)
Denver Broncos
Colorado Rockies
Denver Nuggets
Colorado Avalanche
Obvious grouping. Moving on.
Psycho (Phoenix)
Arizona Cardinals
Arizona Diamondbacks
Phoenix Suns
Arizona Coyotes
My biggest takeaway from this also-obvious grouping is that it’s been six years but I still think of them as the Phoenix Coyotes. Then again I still have to stop myself from saying the Tampa Bay “Devil” Rays, so I think the real takeaway is that I’m officially an old now.
The Hangover (Las Vegas/California)
Las Vegas Raiders
Oakland Athletics
Sacramento Kings
Vegas Golden Knights
The Raiders and Golden Knights are obviously a necessary pair. The A’s can be tied to the Raiders given the latter was just sharing a stadium with them, like, six months ago. And then Sacramento … listen, Sacramento, San Jose, San Francisco, and Oakland might as well already be the same place.
Fifty Shades of Grey (Seattle)
Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Mariners
Portland Trail Blazers
Vancouver Canucks
It’s crap that Seattle lost the Sonics, but it does make this easier, because the Trail Blazers can slide up to the Seattle group pretty easily. If the Sonics were still doing their thing, then I would have no idea where to put that Portland team.
Mrs. Doubtfire (San Francisco)
San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco Giants
Golden State Warriors
San Jose Sharks
I mean, technically San Jose isn’t San Francisco, but … San Jose is San Francisco.
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Los Angeles Pt. 1)
Los Angeles Rams
Los Angeles Dodgers
Los Angeles Lakers
Los Angeles Kings
This exercise would have been more annoying a few years ago, before the Rams and Chargers landed in Los Angeles. As it is now, it’s just a matter of determining which group gets LA-A and which gets LA-B.
Chinatown (Los Angeles Pt. 2)
Los Angeles Chargers
Los Angeles Angels
Los Angeles Clippers
Anaheim Ducks
Like I said, I sort the two-team cities out largely randomly, but … if you were separating LA into its A and B teams, wouldn’t these guys be the B squads? That’s not even a knock, it’s just … wouldn’t they be?