Rankings Week: Odds & Ends
(It’s Rankings Week on The Kelley Black Book. I need content. Lists are easy. All week, I’ll offer up some thoughts on weird lists sure to make people mad at me.)
I could rank increasingly arcane and esoteric things for months on end, really. Do you want to know my favorite Hitchhiker’s Guide characters in order? Or the top 10 routes I take the kids on a walk? Or … I don’t know, my favorite Gatorade flavors? Of course you don’t.
So today, I’m wrapping up Rankings Week with some quick hits. These are shorter lists, rankings that I didn’t think made sense for a full piece but things I still wanted to get yelled at about. Enjoy!
Sports (on TV)
1. Football
2. Baseball
Surprised? I’m a baseball guy first and foremost, and while I do enjoy it on TV, it’s a background activity. I toss on a baseball game, I pay attention to it, but I definitely do something else. Football, I can actually watch exclusively.
3. Basketball
There is the widest gap in watchable and unwatchable in basketball. When it’s good, it’s really good, but man, a bad TV basketball game can be a miserable experience.
4. Soccer
Main TV soccer complaint: Depth perception. If a ball gets deflected or for whatever reason it isn’t immediately clear which way it was kicked, I can spend half the ball’s flight thinking it’s heading to the middle of the field only to eventually realize oh, nope, it’s six rows deep out of bounds. Maybe this is a me thing.
5. Golf
Perfect for naps!
6. Hockey
7. Tennis
If hockey’s on, I’ll probably watch it, even if I’ve never watched enough of it to really get the intricacies I’d like to have for TV viewing. Tennis, I will probably change the station unless it’s the finals of something.
8. Summer Olympics
9. Winter Olympics
I don’t like the Olympics. The only Olympic events I watch are the sports I watch regularly. Like, I’ll watch Olympic basketball. Because I watch basketball. Curling? Sculling? There’s a reason they barely get watched even on an every-four-years basis. I know a lot of you like them. I ain’t one of you.
10. Auto racing
I can’t. The appeal to me is just zero.
Sports (in person)
1. Baseball
Everything that doesn’t totally work for baseball on TV works in person like gangbusters. It’s active but not too active. It’s outside, fresh air. It’s not too crazy. I love keeping score. Yay in-person baseball.
2. Hockey
3. Basketball
For whatever trouble I have following hockey on TV, it works perfectly in person. And basketball … well, it was third on TV and its third here. Samesies.
4. Soccer
5. Football
Football is a great TV game, because you can get every angle and every replay and see things up close, and you can usually check out other games as needed. In person? You lose every last bit of that. Football these days is a genuinely bad in-person game.
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Auto racing
Golf
Tennis
Summer Olympics
Winter Olympics
Sorry, ain’t never seen these in person. I’m sure they are varying degrees of fun.
Fast food restaurants (non-pizza, non-burrito)
1. Potbelly
I probably shouldn’t even include Potbelly, because it has limited range. But it’s my sentimental favorite even if it didn’t taste good (and it’s very good!). When we were relocated to Cincinnati for Lucas’ surgery, we discovered Potbelly and ate there a bunch. (Get your sandwiches with hot peppers, it’s delightful.) The sandwiches were great, the dream bars (little oat-caramel-chocolate things) are ridiculous, and the employees were friendly and chatty and found out our story and were super nice. It just all worked perfectly, to the point that I literally emailed corporate just to praise that location.
2. Taco Bell
Taco Bell is what it is, but when you want it there ain’t nothin’ better.
3. Fazoli’s
This is a regional chain of fast-food Italian. The foods all taste similar, inasmuch as all Italian food tastes similar, but it’s also good. The breadsticks are stupid good. When I lived in Kansas, the first stop I made any time I came home was Fazoli’s.
4. Popeye’s
I still haven’t tried that damn chicken sandwich.
5. Rally’s/Checker’s
I ate Rally’s a few times over the years, I think. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I just think I did. But then my wife came home with it a few months ago, and damn, that was surprising. I didn’t know that place was that good. It is the strongest test to my fast food fry theory.
6. Arby’s
I don’t care, I like Arby’s.
7. McDonald’s
Everyone knows the breakfast is good. But the burgers are underrated. No, I’m not holding them up against real restaurant stuff, but I genuinely enjoy a quick McDouble at the right time.
8. Dairy Queen
Blizzards.
9. Culver’s
10. Zaxby’s
11. Wendy’s
12. KFC
13. Five Guys
Five Guys is good when you want a burger and also 10,000 fries.
14. Chick-fil-A
I like my restaurants without homophobia, thank you.
15. Subway
I had a coupon for a free six-inch sub for years that I just kept never remembering to use. But it had no expiration date on it. So one day, I finally remembered to bring it with me … and the manager refused to honor it. “It’s six years old!” he said. I told him there was no date, and he said he didn’t care. Damn sandwich was already made. I refused to pay for it and he got mad about that too. But the heck with that dude. I left, and I emailed corporate to complain. Corporate emailed me back an apology and asked for more information, which I provided. And corporate responded, “Well, that’s unfortunate.” And that was that. So the heck with that place.
16. Raising Cane’s
The sauce is really good! You know what’s better? Tenders that don’t have to have sauce added to even be decent. Good sauce, blandest chicken on the planet.
17. Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr.
18. Long John Silver’s
19. Panda Express
I probably underrate Panda Express. But I’m just not much of a Chinese food guy.
20. Captain D’s
21. Burger King
Nobody has ever eaten at Burger King on purpose.
22. White Castle
People have eaten at White Castle on purpose, but I very much do not understand why.
Fast food burritos and such
1. Moe’s
2. Qdoba
3. Chipotle
Fast/delivery pizza places
1. Domino’s
This was dead last about a decade ago, and comfortably so, and then they basically said “Y’all know what? We suck,” and they redid it all. Kind have to respect places that are willing to admit the mistakes and start over. The garlic crust is so dang good.
2. Donato’s
So, fun story. I’ve never really bothered with Donatos in my life. It’s fine, but I just never made a point of eating it. And when I order from almost literally any other pizza place, and they ask for crust selection, I say hand-tossed. It’s just the default. Well a couple years ago, my wife asked me to order Donatos, so I did, and I selected hand-tossed, because that’s what I do. Friends, you would not believe the face Laurie made when we opened up her precious Donatos and it was regular triangles of pizza instead of their little rectangles. I might as well have opened a box that said, “I’m cheating on you.” She looked so betrayed. I have never made that mistake again.
3. Papa Murphy’s
I’m always more excited about getting Papa Murphy’s than I am once I’m eating it. “Pick up the pizza and cook it yourself” is neat and all, but I’m always underwhelmed.
4. Little Caesar’s
This is the truest tweet of all time.
5. Pizza Hut
Twice the price of Little Caesar’s. Definitely not twice as good. Plus side: Stuffed Crust is amazing.
6. Papa John’s
You know how the garlic butter is amazing? It is. But maybe you want your pizza to be real good without a cup of hot fat?
Pizzas
I don’t believe in ranking “pizza toppings.” Ham is fine. Ham and pineapple is an entirely different beast. So this is a ranking of the pizza presentations.
1. Pepperoni and sausage/meat lover’s
I like a meaty pizza. Pepperoni is the part that should be in moderation, because it can get too greasy, but you can sausage the hell out of my pizza and I’m happy.
2. Ham and pineapple/Hawaiian
I like pineapple on my pizza. You are not obligated to do so. Why it is so controversial confuses me.
3. Barbecue chicken
But don’t put any of those nonsense red onions on there.
4. Cheese
5. Veggie
6. Supreme
I’ve found that supreme pizzas more often add olives to the mix than veggie pizzas do, and once you have olives on your pizza, you have so many olives on your pizza. It’s like they decide that someone who kinda likes olives would also like to live inside an olive and never leave. Chill out on the olives, ya jerks. They’re gross.
Soft drinks
(I call them soft drinks. I don’t know what region that makes me. But “soda” and “pop” sound weird.)
1. Ale-8
Not a Kentuckian? Ale-8 is a caffeinated ginger-and-citrus soda. It is the best drink that has ever existed. So good. So, so good.
2. Coke
3. Cherry Coke
Hot take: Pepsi’s fine. But yes, Coke’s better.
4. Ginger ale
I love ginger ale, but I also think it’s a very “love it or hate it” drink. Canada Dry’s the best.
5. Root beer
Barq’s is best.
6. Pepsi
7. Dr. Pepper
8. Sierra Mist
I don’t know why Sierra Mist is the best of the clear lemon-lime drinks, but it is.
9. Mountain Dew
10. Orange soda
Go Sunkist.
11. Cherry Pepsi
12. Grape soda
13. Sprite
14. 7-Up
Do y’all remember dnL? It was the reverse 7-Up (“dnL” is “7-Up” upside-down). Instead of clear liquid in a green bottle it was green liquid in a clear bottle. Instead of lemon-lime it was, like, orange or something. And it was caffeinated. It was so damn good. I guess I was the only one who drank it, but it was so damn good.
15. RC
16. Mello Yello
Cooking shows
1. Kids Baking Championship
I love Reggie. But this is the best kids version of a show in general.
2. Chopped
3. Clash of the Grannies
Laurie suggested I do a full rankings piece on cooking shows just so I could rank Clash of the Grannies — a one-season, seven-episode show on the Food Network that was like Chopped, but convoluted, and with old ladies — first. It was not the best. It probably wasn’t even third-best. But she loved it so much. Laurie is terrible at picking her favorites in reality shows, game shows, whatever, because as soon as she announces her favorite that person inevitably gets knocked off next. And watching that happen to her but with cute old ladies? It was hilarious.
4. Baking Championship
This is the catchall for Halloween, Spring, whatever edition comes along. It’s fine.
5. Top Chef
I’ve only watched about a season and a half of Top Chef. It’s fine. I don’t know if I’d like it more or less if I watched more of it.
6. Beat Bobby Flay
7. Guy’s Grocery Games
8. Chopped Junior
For as much as Kids Baking Championship is an improvement on the adult Baking Championships, Chopped Junior is as far in the opposite direction from Chopped.
9. Buddy vs. Duff
10. Halloween Wars
These shows are ostensibly cooking shows, and they end up having, like, a tasting portion or whatever. But they aren’t cooking shows. They’re “let’s build something crazy and extravagant, and oh yeah this thing is made out of blown sugar or whatever.” I want more cooking, less not-cooking.
11. Cupcake Wars
I hate Cupcake Wars. I hate it a lot. I’m not even altogether sure why. It just isn’t good.
Game shows
1. The Amazing Race
I can’t help but wonder if we ever get The Amazing Race again, given the current conditions of, you know, the world.
2. Survivor
Sometimes I get criticized for watching Survivor. But whatever man, I like sports, I like competition. Survivor and The Amazing Race and their ilk are just game shows, just competitions. I like to watch and see who wins. (I’m also like three weeks behind on this season, so no spoilers, ya jerks.)
3. Idiotest
If you missed this show when it was on (and I’m sad it’s apparently gone), it was super fun. It basically used brain-teaser picture puzzles to make people feel stupid. “Touch the thing below that is mined backwards: Denim, Diamonds, Gold, Coal.” That’s a gibberish question read normally, but then you realized that “mined” is M-I-N-E-D, and “denim” is M-I-N-E-D backwards. Only you have like 15 seconds to realize that on a game show in front of a studio audience while Ben Gleib is subtly mocking you and there’s a competitor doing the same thing. It’s so much fun.
4. Jeopardy!
Am I bitter that I didn’t make it onto Jeopardy! after I made it as far as the un-person auditions a couple years ago? I mean, kinda. At the same time, I think it was a half-miracle I even made it to the in-person auditions and I probably woulda gotten my butt kicked if I had made the show. And it’s Jeopardy! It’s so good. Rootin’ for ya, Alex.
5. The Masked Singer
Jenny McCarthy being on the show is such a drag, but her aside, this show is super fun, even if it’s utter nonsense. It’s fun. It doesn’t have to be more than that.
6. Wheel of Fortune
7. America Says
8. Deal or No Deal
Here’s the thing about Deal or No Deal and shows like it: If you watch them rooting for the people to lose, it is ONE BILLION PERCENT more fun. Game shows are a no-lose entity. There is no game show where if you come on and lose, they go in and raid your bank account (but I’d watch the hell out of that). Sure, they try to give people sob stories and make them sentimental favorites and whatever, but ultimately, the worst you can do on a game show is exactly as good as you were when you arrived, plus (probably) some lovely parting gifts. So on something like DoND, every time someone opens a pricey suitcase and they look sad and Howie acts like tragedy has befallen them, you can LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH, and it is delightful.
9. Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
I enjoy the quiz-show aspect. But it is very self-important.
10. The Price is Right
11. [Some Value] Pyramid
12. Family Feud
13. The Bachelor
My buddy Mike was on The Bachelorette a couple seasons ago. He made it three episodes, got almost no screen time, and was unceremoniously kicked off. I watched that season while he was on it because, you know, friend. I stopped watching after he got the boot (and thus endeth my Bachelor resume), but Laurie kept watching because she felt hooked, which meant she spent the rest of the season cursing Mike for having been on it in the first place and getting her roped in.
Anyway, this show is bad. I do not like it.
14. Let’s Make a Deal
Whatever.