Rankings Week: Movie Series

(It’s Rankings Week on The Kelley Black Book. I need content. Lists are easy. All week, I’ll offer up some thoughts on weird lists sure to make people mad at me.)

Today’s list is (a) going to make people mad at me, and (b) going to make people mad at me in an entirely different way. So that’ll be fun.

As a people, we are absolute slaves to nostalgia. I wrote about it on Observer a few months ago, but there are any number of reasons for it. From a studio’s perspective, though, why the heck not? If I have an action movie idea right now that is maybe-sorta marketable, but it would also work if we call the main character “Ethan Hunt” instead of “Derrick McReynolds” or some anonymous name, well, let’s give Tom Cruise a bajillion dollars and call it Mission: Impossible 10 or whatever number they’re on now. It’s just a box-office head start. I don’t have to like the phenomenon to understand it.

As such, there are so many movie series. The only series that has ever ended has been The Godfather, and would you really be shocked if 2022 saw the announcement of Godfather: Godson or some nonsense? (And yes, now I want to try to write that.)

So today, I’m ranking the movie series. To qualify to be ranked, the series had to meet three criteria:

  • At least three entries in the series;

  • I saw at least one of the entries;

  • I thought of it when making the list

So first, I want to make some apologies for series that meet criteria A and C but missed on B. Because I have seen a lot of movies. It’s obscene, really. But the weird thing about me is that I haven’t seen anything you’d have expected me to see. As a kid, I didn’t see that many movies. Then I got my license in 2000 and spent the next decade or so going to every movie. I took every film class offered at UK. I reviewed movies for the first newspaper I worked for after college. I saw everything. And now, I have kids, so I don’t get to see much of anything that doesn’t star Mickey Mouse or one of the quintillion cartoon ducks.

But I also didn’t go back and see many of the things I probably should have. I was so consumed with seeing the new stuff that some of the older things (other than scholarly ones that were film class topics) just never got in there. Like, I never saw Top Gun. People yell at me when I say things like that, but it’s true. So the following series are ones where I’ve never seen a single one of their movies, and I’m sorry, please don’t yell at me. (I’ll likely give you things to yell about just when discussing movies I have seen, so you’ll be fine):

  • Alien

  • Freddy Krueger

  • Jason

  • John Wick

  • Lethal Weapon

  • Mad Max

  • Mission: Impossible

  • The Muppets

  • Rocky

I have seen every last Muppets TV show that has ever been, but never the movies, and I have no idea why. I did see Rocky IV when I was a kid, but I remember essentially none of it and have never seen any of the others. So no, I’ve never really seen any entry in any of the above series. I know. It’s awful. I’m sorry.

And now, the list of movies I have seen:

1. Die Hard

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 5)

Die Hard.jpg

The first Die Hard movie is my all-time favorite movie, and any real criticisms of the movie end up being largely nitpicks. (Sure, you can’t interrupt someone on walkie talkies; yeah, it’s silly that Karl couldn’t understand Hans speaking German but got the English; yes, it doesn’t matter.) From an overall perspective, the first Die Hard is essentially perfect. The second, third, and fourth movies are far from perfect, but they are still excellent sequels. The fifth movie … well, let’s not address the fifth movie.

2. Back to the Future

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 3)

Some series are pretty consistent (or at least decent) from beginning to end. Most start out great (otherwise there wouldn’t be a series), but there are still strong points. For BttF, things are mainly weighted to No. 1. The second and third movies are fine! But it’s here because of the strength of the first movie, which is a definite classic. I’m okay with the others. No. 1 is ridiculous.

3. Toy Story

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 4)

You know how I said Back to the Future was anchored on the first one? This is basically the exact opposite, because the first Toy Story is, of course, great, and the second was great, and the third was great, and the fourth was … well, fine. I don’t think it totally worked, but it was good. Still, it’s a ridiculous series. And I hope it ends now.

4. Harry Potter

(Entries: 8; I’ve seen: 8)

J.K. Rowling obviously has some problems, and I don’t think she’s the world’s best writer or anything, but she created one hell of a world, which made it perfect for movie adaptation. The books were fine, fun — I’m excited to read them to the boys in a few years — but the movies were much more of an event (for me). And I never really thought Daniel Ratcliffe was a great actor on the show, but man, ever since this ended and he’s branched out into other things, I’ve realized he’s such a good actor, y’all. If you haven’t watched the two seasons of Miracle Workers, do that.

5. Star Wars

(Entries: 12; I’ve seen: 10)

Here’s my thing with Star Wars: They’re fine. There has never been a great Star Wars movie. There have been some terrible ones (most of the prequel, Rise of Skywalker), and there have been some pretty good ones (Rogue One, Last Jedi). I haven’t seen Solo, but my understanding is that it ain’t great. I haven’t seen Clone Wars, and I literally have no idea if it’s good. So ultimately, this series is good, not great, but it carries the huge benefit of appealing to so many people. I love when things make people happy. It’s a definite boost.

6. Jurassic Park

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 5)

Jeff Goldblum! Okay, so the first movie is excellent. The second movie is pretty good when they’re on the island, most of the time. From the moment when Jeff’s daughter gymnastics the raptor out of the shed, onto the mainland, and then the hunt through San Diego, it was so very bad. It was a genuinely bad movie in the second half, after being a pretty darn good one before that. The third one was middling, the fourth one was average, the fifth one was bad. But the first movie was so damn good, man. And of course there’s the Goldblum of it all.

7. Lord of the Rings

(Entries: 6; I’ve seen: 4)

I’m counting the Hobbit movies in this series, and they definitely downgrade the overall series. Well, the first one does, because it was just so bad that I didn’t bother watching the others. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it. The LotR series was really good (not perfect, but very good), but Hobbit was bad. But the development of the extended LotR in New Zealand (over years and years and years, y’all, Peter Jackson ain’t playin’) was so remarkable.

8. Marvel Cinematic Universe

(Entries: 23; I’ve seen: 9)

I feel wildly unqualified to really categorize the series, since a real job and marriage and children made seeing the movies impossible. But I will say that Iron Man is the best comic book movie we have on record (with one possible exception that I’ll get to), and other than The Incredible Hulk we haven’t had a genuinely bad MCU movie. That counts for a lot, even if there’s a lot of this series I haven’t gotten to yet.

9. Ocean's

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 3)

Oceans.jpg

I didn’t seen the recent Ocean’s 8 movie, but I saw the other entries here, and while I won’t say there are any groundbreaking movies in this series, but there is so much to be said for “cool people with cool chemistry,” and this series oozes that to a disgusting degree. The Clooney/Pitt/Damon/etc. group is so damn charismatic that I have no choice but to rank them well.

10. The Matrix

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 3)

For all intents and purposes, I remember nothing about the second and third movies. They existed, they weren’t great, whatever. But the first movie was so damn good that it offsets the rest. Apparently Will Smith was originally offered the role of Neo. I have no idea if that’s true, but I desperately want it to be, and I want to see how that movie would have gone, because he occupies such a different aesthetic from Keanu.

11. Rambo

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 4)

When the fourth Rambo movie came out in 2007, I was one of three reviews for the newspaper where I worked, and somehow none of us had seen the whole series. So I volunteered to binge the whole thing one night, see the fourth one the next, and then review it. The end result was that I was overly qualified to gauge the difference in quality. And the first movie was a genuinely interesting dive into a persona and a world and a circumstance, while the fourth was “lookit the blood OMG!” For what it was, the fourth was fine; it was just so very not occupying the same world as the first. (I cannot speak to the fifth, but I imagine it was “lookit the blood” times, like, 10.)

12. Men in Black

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 2)

I cannot speak on the third MiB, and I definitely can’t speak to the International edition. The second movie was so convoluted and not good. But the first, man. It redefined an entire genre, and it was so good. Like … well, like a lot of series in this piece, this is an entry anchored by its first edition, but that’s okay when it’s so good.

13. Despicable Me

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 4)

I want to not like these movies. They seem so vapid and silly that I want to consider myself above that Minions nonsense. But I guess I’m just not. The Minions are so fun, and they made some genuinely fun characters around them. Sure, the third Despicable movie and the Minions movie were middling, but the first two really worked.

14. View Askew

(Entries: 8; I’ve seen: 5)

I’m counting Jay & Silent Bob’s Super Groovy Cartoon Movie in the list of eight, despite the fact researching this piece is literally the first I ever remember hearing of it. And I really want to see the reboot, but that hasn’t happened. (I also haven’t seen Mallrats, somehow.) Fun fact: I went as Silent Bob for Halloween in (I think?) 2003. The movies aren’t great by any means, but Kevin Smith does have a genuinely unique view in a lot of ways, and that counts for a lot.

15. The Christopher Nolan Batman

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 3)

Okay, so this necessitates a greater piece at some point, but here’s the thing: Batman Begins is the only movie that rivals the first Iron Man as the best comic book movie we’ve had. The Dark Knight was bad. No, it was. Don’t argue with me. The Dark Knight Rises was worse. The approximate graph of quality of the Nolan Batman movies was: \. Why didn’t I like The Dark Knight? Because as good a job as Heath Ledger did as an actor (and it was so good), that version of the Joker made literally no sense at all. It painfully wasted Aaron Eckhart and the character of Two-Face. Maggie Gyllenhaal was awful. The movie was supremely flawed with some good set pieces. Now, before you burn me at the stake (who am I kidding, you’ll do this anyway), I’ve only seen the movie once, in theaters. At some point, I’ll do a deeper dive and really explain why I didn’t think it worked, but right now, it’s just “meh.”

16. Pirates of the Caribbean

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 3)

Someday, I’ll do a deep dive on why I think Johnny Depp is a fine but unremarkable actor. But all that said, Jack Sparrow was the absolute perfect role for him, and he made these movies. They got incredibly convoluted even through the third movie, at which point I left the series, but the absolute funness of Depp’s performance carries the day.

17. Rush Hour

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 3)

I mentioned in the Ocean’s section how charisma and chemistry is enough to overcome a lot of storytelling problems, and that’s definitely on display in the Rush Hour series, which was a decent first movie and then two very silly sequels supported by Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan just chemistrying the whole place down.

18. Shrek

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 4)

Shrek.jpg

I count Puss in Boots as a Shrek movie here; you might disagree, but that’s okay. The first movie is absolutely of its time, a very early-2000s look at a quasi-timeless version of a fairy tale, but it works like gangbusters. The sequels also worked to varying degrees, but they were increasingly desperate knockoff attempts. Desperation is a bad look in an animated movie.

19. Cars

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 1.5)

The first movie is genuinely good, even if it’s just “Doc Hollywood but they’re cars.” It’s easily the most likable Larry the Cable Guy has ever been. I have seen a big chunk of the second movie with the boys, and what I’ve seen of it isn’t great. I haven’t seen the third at all, but my understanding is it’s real bad.

20. The Fast and the Furious

(Entries: 8; I’ve seen: 2)

Sure, this is dumb. I’ve seen two movies in this series: 2 Fast 2 Furious and Fast & Furious 6. 2 Fast was a big pile of crap movie that has no business being in with the other movies (to my understanding). #6 was loud nonsense, but man, sometimes there’s a place for loud nonsense. I fully believe I would enjoy these movies (in a “wow, this is awful and I love it” sense, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that), but I just haven’t gotten to them.

21. American Pie

(Entries: 8; I’ve seen: 4)

Do you think Eugene Levy likes the regular American Pie paycheck, or hates that his “Jim’s dad” role has just carried over to him being in every single one of these for no reason? The original series was nonsense and doesn’t age well, but it did redefine an entire genre of movies for about a generation of films there, and it counts for a lot. (Interesting note: Per Wiki, the eight movies have now introduced us to eight Stiflers — Steve, Jeanine, Matt, Erik, Dwight, Harry, Scott, and Stephanie. That family’s huge.)

22. Hunger Games

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 3)

I really liked the Hunger Games books. They obviously don’t hold up to any particularly deep thought, but as pulp fiction they’re enjoyable. Now, set the books aside and think only of the movies. Think really, really hard. Tell me one thing you remember about them. Best I can do is “Jennifer Lawrence manages to have her makeup done even when she’s nearly dying in the woods.” They took a memorable book series and rendered it utterly forgettable, to the point that I still haven’t even gotten around to seeing the fourth one.

23. X-Men

(Entries: 12; I’ve seen: 5)

They are so desperate for these movies to make sense, trying to keep the same continuity despite losing actors, traveling back in time, starting over, retconning some things, and basically telling Hugh Jackman he can’t go more than 10 feet from his phone for 20 years now. Like Hunger Games, I can offer very few concrete memories from this series (other than Deadpool, which is an X-Men movie but also kinda not), and the ones I can recall (sure, use your magnet powers to pick up and shift the Golden Gate Bridge, it probably won’t all break apart) are silly.

24. Godfather

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 1)

Godfather.jpg

(Puts fingers in ears) You’re not yelling at me I can’t hear you la la la la la la la la la.

Anyway, I saw the first movie about 10 years ago. I’ve never seen the other two, and I say that despite owning the whole series on DVD. You know that Family Guy bit where Peter says he doesn’t like Godfather because it “insists upon itself,” and Chris (really, Seth Green) starts screaming at him? He is 100%, absolutely right. This is a movie that jumps up and says, “I’m absolute classic cinema and if you don’t love me there is something wrong with you.” Meanwhile, you could give me the movie, editing equipment, and a couple days, and I would have that runtime cut down by 30% and make a far better movie. You can make an excellent movie without long, lingering nonsense shots, guys. I know this is a sacrilege, and maybe if I saw the second one I’d raise the grade, but man, do I not care.

25. Indiana Jones

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 4)

Dirty little secret: The Indy movies aren’t good. They’re entertaining, I guess, and it’s important to grade a movie based on its time and not compared to today’s offerings, but, like … why are these movies? Indy was famously completely irrelevant to the plot of the first movie. The fourth one … well, let’s just ignore the Shia movie. We got Kate Capshaw screaming at us and Ke Huy Quan racisting at us in the second one, and then we got Sean Connery hamming it up unnecessarily in the third. I have just never gotten the appeal. The movies exist as vehicles to get to a few admittedly fun setpieces. Well, just make YouTube videos of big boulders or something, because I need some plot.

26. Scream

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 3)

I remember very little of these movies beyond Drew Barrymore’s scene in the first one. I know they’re very self-referential and meta, I know they inspired a whole generation of slasher films, I know the Scary Movie spoofs were funny for a minute and then “oh my god make them stop.” I would actually like to go back and watch these again some day just out of a sense of history, but for now … meh.

27. James Bond

(Entries: 24; I’ve seen: 2)

I almost didn’t include Bond at all, because I really don’t have enough knowledge to grade it. I’ve seen Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace and that’s it for the whole run. I have of course seen clips and bits and sections of just about all of the movies, but for full movies, it’s just the two. They’ve very silly. Somehow the Daniel Craig have decided they need to try to be serious and dark and sinister, but these are live-action cartoons, man. Stop trying to make them more than that.

28. The Hangover

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 2)

The first Hangover movie was a big success, and I will readily admit that. It was silly and mindless, but it was very successful silliness and mindlessness. And then they just tried to make the exact same movie again a second time, and (I think) a third. I get it, don’t mess with what works, but you can’t just have a rough reimagining of the exact same plot and say “See! New movie!” You gotta do something else.

29. Bourne

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 3)

Maybe this is all on me, but this is another example of a movie that has done a lot of work, made a lot of money, established a famous character … and I can tell you nothing about it. I know he had some form of amnesia in the first movie. I know there were government bad guys out to get him. I know there had to be more to it than that, and I literally can’t tell you what it is. These movies existed. That’s about it.

30. Terminator

(Entries: 6; I’ve seen: 3)

This one I will definitely chalk up to me seeing them at the wrong time. I didn’t see the first two Terminator movies until the mid-2000s, at which point they were definitely aged. I would bet a lot that I would grade them much higher if I had seen them when they were fresher and newer. Alas, that is not the case. (And judging by the sad box office results of the recent ones, they really gotta let this one die.)

One note, though: I watched the TV series (The Sarah Connor Chronicles) pretty religiously, and it was genuinely good. It did some different things with the terminators than the movies have done, diving in on the “what makes a man” stuff. Garret Dillahunt and Summer Glau were fantastic. That series deserved more run.

31. Scary Movie

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 3, I think)

The first Scary Movie was definitely fine for what it was. It was a successful spoof that had some genuine insight and real comedy. And that inspired four more movies in that series, that got progressively dumber, and a whole genre of spoofs like Epic Movie and Not Another Teen Movie and the like, and the fact that the first Scary Movie made the rest of those exist is enough for me to downgrade it all by itself.

32. Meet the Parents

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 2)

Parents.jpg

Is Little Fockers good? I was always impressed by what they pulled off with the first movie, but man, Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand just ruined the series for me in the second one and I never got to the third. First one’s funny, though.

33. Madagascar

(Entries: 4; I’ve seen: 2)

I still find myself singing “I Like to Move It Move It” fairly often, entirely because of this series. I know the song exists outside of this series, but that is the movie’s lasting contribution to society. Beyond that … I mean, they’re there. (This came out at almost the exact same time as The Wild, which was a similar aesthetic and starred Kiefer Sutherland. Anyone know if it was any good? I always feel bad for the lesser of two similarly themed movies like that. They just can’t shine.)

34. Ice Age

(Entries: 5; I’ve seen: 2)

Scrat’s fun. Ray Romano was a good casting decision. Denis Leary … well, he keeps getting jobs, so good for him, I guess. These are movies I’ll probably show to the boys in a year or two and then suddenly I’ll see all of them 50 times apiece. So I’ve got that to look forward to.

35. Spider-Man (the Tobey Maguire one)

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 3)

I keep seeing people say these movies (well, the first two) were good and aged well and everything, but I just can’t get over my distaste for Tobey Maguire. I do not like him as an actor. I think he’s too cartoonish, too juvenile, and I definitely can’t buy him as a superhero. That’s probably a me problem, but I can’t imagine ever going back and watching these again.

36. The Chronicles of Narnia

(Entries: 3; I’ve seen: 1)

Like Hunger Games, this is a series created from rich source material that became utterly forgettable movies — or at least, an utterly forgettable first movie that did not inspire me to see the sequels at all. What do you remember about these movies? Because for me, it’s a blank.

37. Transformers

(Entries: 6; I’ve seen: 2)

I legitimately fell asleep in the theater during the first Transformers movie. “Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing” is a perfect description, because everything was loud and flashy and moving, and my brain just said nope. These are as mindless as it gets, and I couldn’t care if you made me.

38. Halloween

(Entries: 11; I’ve seen: 1)

This is another one I probably have no business evaluating, because the only one I’ve seen is the first Rob Zombie one. I saw it with my buddy Tom, and we spent a big chunk of the movie debating which actor we’d rather be:

  • Tyler Mane, who as Michael Myers had to wear a mask and be big, but do no actual acting;

  • Danielle Harris (I think?), who got to act for a few minutes, hook up on screen, then get murdered and carried around on camera for a long time while naked

And the reason Tom and I spent the movie debating that was because that conversation was far more interesting than the movie going on in front of us. Maybe the other movies are great! I couldn’t tell you.

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