Ranking Every Bluey Episode (104-77)
I’m, like, a solid B- as a father. My kids know they are loved, and they love right back. They’re smart, they’re confident, they’re well fed and get to do cool stuff. But also … like, I feed them frozen/microwaved stuff all the time. I play on my phone far too often. As I write this, they’re playing on their tablets for a much longer chunk of the day than anyone should.
And man, they watch TV.
I’ve covered this before, and in my defense, I work from home, they aren’t in school yet, and there are only so many ways to keep them occupied that doesn’t require me interacting with them every 14 seconds. So really, it’s “Okay, fine, here’s the TV” or it’s “Oh, sorry boss, yes I understand that I’m fired.”
The upshot here is that the boys see a lot of kids shows, and so in turn do I. And some of them are truly terrible — if Lucas asks me if he can watch Bob the Train one more time I’m gonna throw him or the TV remote out the window — but some of them are very good. The Muppet Babies reboot was strong. DuckTales was positively transcendent, though admittedly not exactly a true kids show, more of a “here’s just a good TV show that happens to be about animated fowl.” The Pixar movies are always a delight.
But Bluey stands above them all. As a kids show, a thing to entertain the children and not drive the parents crazy in the process, I’ve never seen a show like Bluey. If you haven’t seen it, the titular Bluey is a 6-year-old Blue Heeler living in Australia. She has a sister (Bingo), parents and a whole extended world of friends, classmates, parents’ friends, relatives and more. It’s mostly about how kids play and the worlds they create, but there’s a heaping helping of parenthood and learning and … look, it’s just really good, okay? We have tickets to the Bluey live show in Richmond in December, and when I say we have tickets, know that that means we have front-row tickets because I signed up for email alerts for when the presale started and bought them within approximately two minutes of them becoming available. Everyone in my family has a Bluey shirt, and some of us might get new ones before the live show.
Seasons 1 and 2 are available in American, regularly cycling through on Disney Jr. and streamable on Disney+. Season 3 is currently airing in Australia, and come the heck on y’all, let’s get here in America soon, daddy needs his new Bluey fix.
In the meantime, well, I’ve seen every Bluey episode 452 times apiece. Yes, that includes “Dad Baby,” which was never released in the U.S. because … well, a dude gives birth and it’s kinda weird, and “Teasing,” which came out here but then went away because of some inadvertently racially insensitive content. So since I have all this Bluey knowledge in my head, and I 100% know there are other diehard adult Bluey fans out there, I decided to dive into another of my patented spreadsheets and rank every Bluey episode through the two seasons so far.
“Two seasons, so that’s like 40 episodes, right?” Nope! Sorry, disembodied voice, Bluey episodes are 7-8 minutes each, and they go all out on these things. Two seasons means there have been 104 episodes of the show so far, and I’m ranking them all.
Today, it’s Tier 4. And I want to be clear: Every Bluey is good. This show is amazing. But these are the least good of the goods.
#104: Fairies, Ep. 1.30
Muppet Babies is all about the kids’ imagination, and they can invent entire fantasy worlds, and while you can sort of see how what they’re doing is based in the reality of Miss Nanny’s house, really it is a world of make believe. Bluey isn’t that way. Yeah, they dream and adventure and stuff, but either we can see all the reality they live in, or if it appears to be magical, it’s because Mum and Dad go all-in on the pretend.
Except Fairies. There’s no point in the episode where the circles or the roller skates or any of the weird stuff that happens to them could have happened logically. And then at the end, we actually see a fairy. Did they forget what show they were making? It’s weird.
#103: Trains, Ep. 2.15
There’s nothing inherently wrong with Trains. It’s fun enough (apparently, in non-American versions, Bluey makes dad lick an imaginary piece of poop, not a slug, which is kind of wow. But really, this episode just gets downgraded because I never ever need to hear Bandit yell “Train arriving!” or “Train leaving!” again. (And also, pushing multiple folding chairs on a hardwood floor? Bandit scratched up his wood, y’all.)
#102: Hide and Seek, Ep. 1.42
Do you know how quickly Chattermax would get lost or go missing or lose its batteries in my house? Well, a long time, because I talk a big game but indulge my kids far too much. But do you know how quickly I would want those things to happen to Chattermax? Really, really quickly.
#101: Mum School, Ep. 2.14
So this is cute and all (although — why did they only have one helium balloon and a bunch of non-helium balloons? That’s weird), but I feel I’m left with a plot hole. Bluey uses the G magnet to tie down Greeny, and it works until she gets too crazy with the hair dryer and Greeny blows out the window. Sure, cool. But then shouldn’t the G have still weighted Greeny down once the effect of the hair dryer was gone? I feel like they should have shown the string slip off the G magnet as well, because I feel like suddenly the magnet got way lighter all of a sudden and it bugs me.
#100: Pirates, Ep. 1.27
There was a little “Cancel Bandit Heeler” thing a few weeks ago. He was described as a reductive caricature of a man who hasn’t grown up all the way, and part of that was his reluctance to go full-bore in playing with the kids when other adults were watching. And it was a ludicrous complaint for any number of reasons, but I guess that part of it comes from this episode, where Bandit gets a little shy. But … I mean, going all in on imagination as a parent can be a tough sell. It’s logical. Lay off Bandit.
#99: Horsey Ride, Ep. 1.09
Generally speaking, Muffin- and Socks-heavy episodes are going to rank low here (there are exceptions). They’re far more annoying that anyone else. That’s the point, of course, but it makes for a slightly less fun viewing experience.
#98: Butterflies, Ep. 1.15
If we’re downgrading Muffin and Socks for being a bit annoying and ill-behaved, kinda have to do it for Judo, too.
#97: Blue Mountains, 1.21
Listen, if you’re going to so Chilli re-drawing her hand puppet’s facial expression when it changes, you have to show Bluey and Bingo doing it. Or you can not show Chilli doing it and we can just pretend. But you can’t do one and not the other.
#96: The Show, Ep. 2.19
I’m guessing since we got this episode that we’ll never get an actual flashback to young Bandit and young Chilli, but everything we learn about them makes them seem like really fascinating young people.
#95: Shaun, Ep. 1.50
I love Lucky’s dad (Pat). He lives next door to this crazy Heeler family, while his kid Lucky seems to be fairly normal and non-crazy. But no matter what craziness the Heelers throw at him (Bandit’s hand being an emu here, but also when they pretend to be lions in Asparagus or when they need his help in Keepy Uppy), he is 100% game. The best is actually in Featherwand, when he’s just “walking down the footpath,” and the neighbor kid commands him to go tackle a 4-year-old, and he’s like “Yep, on it!” no questions asked. Pat is the best sport of all time.
#94: Zoo, Ep. 1.35
Baboon-Bandit jumping not only a chain-link fence but also Bluey while carrying Bingo is the most athletic maneuver of all time.
#93: Taxi, Ep. 1.25
Do you know how often my sons (especially Lucas) have used “Aw, Biscuits” as their “swear” of choice? So many times.
#92: Rug Island, Ep. 2.10
I confess that I feel like I’m supposed to like Rug Island more than I do. It’s just never quite clicked with me. It’s so aggressively weird.
#91: Work, Ep. 1.31
David McCormack is an Australian musician, frontman of the band Custard. I know nothing about him other than what I’ve seen on Wikipedia and such, but by all accounts he’s been at it for a long damn time and is really good at what he does. He also voices Bandit, and I think it’s hilarious that this longtime musician is now also known as the guy who says things like “Can it please be a dancing work?”
#90: Tickle Crabs, Ep. 2.20
Any kids show straddles the line between cute/funny and annoying. Bluey is better at remaining on the right side of the line than most. This one does push it on occasion. (Also, please don’t tickle my feet. I hate it very much.)
#89: The Adventure, Ep. 1.37
Can I confess something? I don’t love the Terriers. In the Calypso episode where they just pop up a little, I can dig it. But they are too big a part of this one and it just doesn’t totally work.
#88: Neighbours, Ep. 1.47
I know the message of the episode required Bluey to learn how to deal with Bingo without the parents getting involved, but based on how Chilli intercedes in “Muffin Cone” in Season 2, I feel like she’d have stepped in when Bingo was misbehaving.
#87: Hairdressers, Ep. 2.05
I know Bluey and Bingo are two years apart and my twin sons are seven minutes apart (and technically Jordan is younger), but we have had to deal with Jordan finding his ears/Lucas finding his voice 10 bajillion times so far, so I feel this episode in my bones.
#86: The Doctor, Ep. 1.18
Honey has the least personality of any of Bluey’s friends (IMO), which is weird, because she’s also generally considered Bluey’s best friend, second at worst? In this episode, her lack of personality actually becomes her personality, as all the other kids have imagination and adventure, and she can’t think of anything. And then … I mean, “my tail holds and my body wags” is funny enough, I guess, but I think the other pickles (“My arms fell off!”) are more compelling.
#85: Daddy Robot, Ep. 1.04
Not gonna lie, “Put the kids in the wheely bin so playroom will be tidy” is pretty genius.
#84: Postman, Ep. 2.36
I like the combination of games. I like the ingenuity in getting around during The Ground Is Lava. I like the difficulty in figuring out how not to squabble. What don’t I like?
Any time my wife and I stand within a couple feet of one another to talk, no matter our tone of voice or whether we are actually squabbling, one or both of the boys runs between is and yells “Stop squabbling!” Cute a couple times, less cute eventually.
That paper airplane trajectory was the best paper airplane trajectory of all time. A 6-year-old’s paper airplane (especially made with the inability to touch the ground) should have flown approximately negative inches.
#83: Bus, Ep. 2.22
I know the Grannies return in Season 3, but their Season 2 appearance was much less enjoyable (to me) than in Season 1, so I’m curious if they rebound in Season 3 or jump the shark.
#82: Typewriter, Ep. 2.49
This episode is cute and all, especially for how it makes Winton and (especially) Snickers feel better about themselves, but am I the only one who didn’t understand why Calypso hid the real typewriter from Bluey in the first place? Was it just a “kids should be active and play and not sit at a typewriter all day?” thing? Is she ensuring that Bluey is available as the leader to help the other kids get over their hangups? I didn’t get that.
#81: Fruitbat, Ep. 1.08
In the American version of this, Chilli says Bandit is dreaming of playing “touch football” with his mates. And I can’t find any evidence of this, but that had to be rugby in the Australian version, right? He’s super playing rugby in the dream sequence.
#80: Wagon Ride, Ep. 1.24
This episode is the evidence you need as proof Bandit’s the best damn dad in the world. He gets up before breakfast and takes the kid on what appears to be the longest wagon ride in the world to go play on the monkey bars. He tries to have the occasional minute for himself to talk to his friends and acquaintances, only for the kids who made him get up to interrupt and ruin it, and instead of losing his temper he just offers alternatives. After a billion-mile walk, they get to the monkey bars, and … older kid changes her mind. I wouldn’t murder my kids, but … I would murder my kids.
#79: Mr. Monkeyjocks, Ep. 2.38
My kids have never thrown away a toy. I feel this episode in my bones.
#78: Mount Mumandad, Ep. 1.44
Small complaint with this episode: It comes right after “Camping,” and they could have very easily just had them coming back from the camping trip instead of returning from a theme park and tied the episodes together. Not necessary, but I would’ve liked it.
#77: Library, Ep. 2.30
I think of Stripe and Muffin every single time I drive through a yellow light. You know who else does? The twins. I’m so damn screwed.
Tomorrow: Eps. 76-49