Best Cards: Albert Belle

(This is Best Cards Ever, a never-ending quest to find the single best baseball card of every player.)

My process: I open Check Out My Cards, I type a player’s name into the search bar, and I scroll. Depending on the player, there can be anywhere from dozens to thousands of his cards, and I just look at them, opening up the interesting ones, scrolling past a bunch.

I think of jokes or comments for some of them as I scroll. Others, I just think are interesting.

Albert Belle was a different story. Albert Belle’s baseball cards have a theme, and that theme is the same theme Albert Belle carries as a person. That theme:

Albert Belle does not smile.

In your head, you probably know this, subconsciously if not consciously. If you picture Albert Belle in your mind’s eye, you see a big, intimidating slugger, and you probably see him scowling. But a lot of players have a look. Gary Carter’s smile. Jay Buhner’s sunglasses. Javy Lopez’ butt. You see them a fair amount. But here’s the thing: You see other things too. Buhner looks at you with his actual eyes. Javy faces front. Gary … well, Gary Carter was always smiling. But you get the point. Most players have a look for most of the time.

Albert Belle has his look all the time.

So today, Best Cards Ever is taking a little detour. Instead of searching for the best Albert Belle card, we’re performing a study: Has Albert Belle ever smiled on purpose?

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Albert Belle

Career: 1989-2000 (CLE, CHW, BAL)
WAR: 40.1
Hall of Fame: No, and if you had told me that in 1995 I’d have laughed in your face.

Pull up Albert Belle’s Wikipedia page. Go ahead, it’s linked right there. I’ve got time. The photo at the top is grainy. It’s from 1997, so it isn’t likely a cell phone pic, but it’s, what, some random person’s disposable camera sitting near third base and zoomed in beyond what that thing was capable of? It’s not great, and Albert 100% did not know that picture was being taken.

Yet there’s the scowl.

Google “Albert Belle smile,” and the first result is a Cleveland.com piece from 2012 headlined “Back on Ohio, Albert Belle is all smiles at Cleveland Indians golf outing.” The piece includes a mini-slideshow of seven pictures. Belle is smiling in … zero of them.

We’ve got our work cut out for us.

(As always, thanks to Check Out My Cards for being able to track these down.)

The least smiley Albert Belle card

1997 Donruss #160

Sometimes, Albert went straight into un-smiley parody. This is a cartoon character who just had his apple pie stolen off his countertop, a child who was told there would be no ice cream. This is Maximum Unsmile.

The times Albert Belle was definitely told to smile and refused

1997 Starting Lineup #8.3

This is pretty clearly a picture from when Albert signed with the White Sox. He’s still sitting at the table for the press conference. The photographer asked him to smile.

The photographer immediately regretted that decision.

1996 Studio #143

I swear he tried here. The photographer told him to smile, and Albert — right in the middle of his stretch as arguably the best hitter in baseball, about to become the game’s first $10 million man, no reason not to be happy — decided all right, he’d give it a shot. He had to think about it for a minute. When you don’t use muscles for a time, after all, they atrophy. He knew the teeth were supposed to be seen, so he parted his lips. Was he supposed to curl the lip, or was that a sneer? Maybe it was just the teeth. And then, it was too late, and the photographer had snapped the shot.

“Maybe that was a smile,” Albert thought, naively. “Maybe it was.”

1995 Pinnacle #233

This isn’t a staged shot. The photographer saw Albert just going about his business and gave it a shot. But I like to imagine he had an accomplice, a player or clubhouse attendant he sent over near Albert to try to tell him a little joke and make him crack a little grin. And Albert gave that clubhouse attendant a look that said, “We don’t do that here.”

The illustrations

2000 Upper Deck MVP – Draw Your Own Card #DT27

The 2000 Upper Deck MVP set had a contest where kids could design their own baseball cards. The company picked the top 31 and made them. Little James Lewis, then 8 years old, of Brookline, Massachusetts, was one of the lucky winners with this Albert Belle drawing. And the kid drew what he knew, and what he knew was “Albert Belle is angry.” And so angry Albert Belle is what he drew.

1993-95 Cardtoons #5

It’s a smile! It also absolutely does not count, since it’s a drawing. But it’s a smile!

And can I tell you how angry I am that they went with “Cow Belle” and not “Albert Bull”? It’s right there! Come on, guys.

1992 Fun Stuff Baseball Enquirer #61

Look at that color scheme. That absolutely anachronistic smile. The illustrator was told this would be a Terry Pendleton card and then they pivoted at the last minute. That’s the only explanation.

The intentional unsmiles

1994 Topps Stadium Club – Bowman Preview #3

This is a fantastic card, because they steered right into the skid of “facial expressions Albert knows how to make.” Smiles? Sorry, that’s too difficult. But “crazy-eyed angry stares”? Right in Albert’s wheelhouse, y’all.

2001 Fleer Tradition #111

I choose to believe this picture was the last thing the photographer ever saw, and his camera was found months later among his remains, and this photo was all they could recover.

2000 Fleer Tradition #258

And this card was Albert seeing whatever he saw that made him decide he would be getting revenge on a baseball card photographer for something. He lay in wait for a year before he would strike. (Come on, they’re both Fleer Tradition sets; that has to mean something. Albert hated this fool.)

The best opportunity he’d ever have

1996 Pinnacle – Christie Brinkley Collection #10

Look at that baby! It’s Christie Brinkley’s baby, not Albert’s, but she got to do what she wanted with it, so she plopped little Jack Paris Brinkley Taubman in Albert’s lap. Maybe if it had been Albert’s own kid, he could have actually made the smile work. Instead, he’s holding this absolutely adorable baby, picking his hand up for … some reason, and the best Albert can do is “not completely opposed to this situation.” Come on, Albert, it’s a cute baby. Who isn’t smiling holding a cute baby?

And our contenders

4. 1997 Pinnacle – Cardfrontations #6 (Albert Belle/Pat Hentgen)

Is that a smile? I mean, it’s not not a smile. It’s, like, they told him a joke, and he wanted to be polite, so he forced a little breathy chuckle, and his mouth had an inadvertent reaction.

Also, Pat Hengten didn’t really smile either, so it’s not like Albert was missing anything.

3. 1997 Donruss Elite #9

This is a smile! It’s not the smile of a man who has any clue at all that he’s being photographed, and it’s a surprise smile. There’s no reason to believe this is an intentional, planned smile. Does that decrease the smileness of it all? Nah, he’s happy. But it definitely doesn’t count as a “smile on purpose.” Still, we know he can do it.

2. 1996 Upper Deck – Hobby Predictor #H1

Contrary to the card at #3, Albert definitely knows he’s being photographed here. On the other hand … is that a smile? It definitely could pass as one, but if you told me that, like, someone is stabbing his thigh with needles but he couldn’t react until the picture was taken, I’d also believe that. It’s the smile of someone who has no idea how to smile.

1. 1993 Upper Deck #586

Holy crap, he did it! This is a real smile, looking at the camera, even pointing at the photographer. Albert knows how to smile. He even has dimples! Dimples! Look at my happy boy!

Science has spoken. Albert Belle has smiled, and he has smiled on purpose. He very very much does not do it much, but at least we know he has the capability of doing it. Proud of you, Albert.