What Comes Next: A Goofy Movie
(This is What Comes Next, an examination of what happens in the movies after the cameras stop rolling.)
There’s nowhere else to mention this in this piece, so I’ll put it here: In A Goofy Movie, Disney is a child photographer, while Mickey and Donald are just hitchhiking down the side of the road. But on the flip side, Max has a Mickey phone, and their “guess the person” game had Walt Disney as a result. So that means this isn’t a world where the characters we’ve come to know and love are cast as regular, everyday dudes. This is a world where they were the famous characters we used to know, and they’ve fallen on hard times. Goofy is just a regular guy. No shame in that. But poor Mickey and Donald are stuck trying to hitchhike. That’s a horrifying collapse.
Made even worse: Max has the Mickey phone. It’s established that Goofy’s best friend is Donald. And yet, when they drive down the road, bored, with an open backseat and their belongings on the roof, and Mickey and Donald are right there hitchhiking … and nothing. So not only did these guys fall on hard times, there was a falling out. These friends we’ve known for decades are strangers to one another now.
I bet you never knew this movie was so dark.
What Comes Next: A Goofy Movie
Like I said, the above has no real bearing on what happened either in the movie or after, but I do find it a fascinating thing to think about, especially when you’re seeing the movie for the 415th time while your daughter insists you sing every song in duet with her (she sings Max, you sing all the other voices) and yells at you if you zone out for a moment. On “Open Road” or “The Waterfall,” it’s mostly just the two of them and it’s fine. But “After Today”? That song has every dang kid in their school, plus the bus driver, plus Wallace Shawn-as-principal. That song is hard to sing, especially since I, you know, suck at singing.
But the point is that I’ve thought about this movie a lot. As has the rest of the world. This little-seen 1995 Disney movie that barely got a theatrical release has found a second life on video, cable, and now streaming, and it’s one of the most cult classic movies we have in recent generations. There have been Comic Con retrospectives. Earlier this month, Disney did a whole week of stuff to recognize the 25th anniversary. EW did a piece on Bill Farmer, the voice of Goofy for Disney since 1987, where he said that nothing he’s done for the House of Mouse has resonated with fans anywhere to the extent that this little father-and-son road trip movie has. There was a sequel that is nowhere near on the same level, but this is about just Movie 1.
So who came out the best?
Oh, this is definitely Max. He got a great trip (even if he didn’t want to go, this kid got to go to baseball games and amusement parks and danced on stage at a freaking Powerline concert, and did it all on his father’s dime. He gets the girl in the end (even if the sequel makes it clear that they don’t stay together), and you absolutely know he’s a god among the students at his school. Even if there’s a whole summer between when that happened and school came back for the fall, the Max story would never die. He’s a legend at his school for life.
Who came out the worst?
Good news! I don’t have to put the “among the survivors” caveat here that I included in the Die Hard and Independence Day pieces, because no one dies!
(And then as I wrote that, I remembered something — Max and Goofy definitely murder a mime in New Orleans. They watch the dude “pull up” something heavy, and then Goofy joins in the act, mimes cutting the rope … and the mime is crunched by a piano. Max and Goofy whistle and walk away. They definitely murdered that dude. See, look:
Anyway, he came out the worst. Otherwise, though!)
The security guard at the Powerline concert. Listen, Powerline’s a pro. When Goofy showed up on stage, he didn’t even break stride on the song, kept right on going, and learned the dance. When Max got there as well, whatever, the wheels are off. I2I didn’t even stop. This was not Powerline’s first stadium tour.
But there is no way this security guard, who couldn’t catch a suburban dad or his adolescent son, who managed to allow them on stage, and got thrown into the freaking JumboTron (those ain’t cheap), kept his job. This dude is back to bouncing at small-time rock clubs after this. Big fall for a dude who tried real hard (but kinda seemed like a jerk).
Who came out sneaky-good?
Powerline! This was 1994 (yes, the movie came out in 1995, but I have a shirt that categorically places the concert tour in 1994, and I will wear it for you if you don’t believe me). The internet existed, but you know, barely. This was a young dude on a stadium tour that was so insanely popular it was a Pay-per-View event 25 years ago. So already, he’s doing pretty good. But then add in the fact that he (a) made a father and son’s combined dream come true, (b) put on a wildly memorable show, complete with exploding JumboTron, and did it seamlessly? In the world occupied by Goofy Movie, Powerline was the first ever viral sensation. That song would have been the biggest thing in YouTube, when YouTube started being a thing. Like, right now, in 2020, we’d be on Powerline’s third comeback tour, with Goofy and Max making a special appearance, with a reality show. That single song alone gave Powerline a career for life, even if he petered out after those hits.
Who comes out good and bad?
Stacey comes out both ways, depending on your time frame. In the immediate, this girl just held what is one of the coolest parties in the area, complete with absolutely newsworthy Pay-per-View showing of a concert that their classmate happened to show up for. That’s the event of the year, and it will help her social standing a lot.
But later, things get bad. See, Stacey pretty clearly has some high-reaching aspirations in her life. She’s, what, class president at the start? That’s why she gives the speech? You’d think someone like that is going to want to do some big things in adulthood. Only, when Stacey gets to adulthood, maybe she’s running for office … and the pictures come out:
Stacey came to her party dressed as a bad Native American stereotype (for no reason I can find). Her political career is doomed.
So what was the next little while like?
Okay, so listen, Goofy lost almost all of his possessions and his car. He probably faced some legal consequences for crashing the concert, he had to pay for the damages to Roxanne’s dad’s house, and he burned through his savings on this ridiculous trip — that he took with legitimately like an hour’s notice. And exactly none of that matters. First off, as I addressed at the top, Goofy’s the famous Goofy, which means he’s definitely living off his residuals (he managed his money better than Donald and Mickey). Meanwhile, his lone coworker appears to be Pete, who can also take a massive vacation at the exact time as Goofy in what appears to be the best RV in all of existence. Basically, what I’m saying is, department-store kids photographer appears to be the best job of all time and we should all become one, and Goofy was fine.
Speaking of Pete and P.J. … you know how the after-the-fact plothole in Raiders of the Lost Ark turns out to be that Indy wasn’t really necessary for the story? His presence didn’t accomplish anything? That’s the Pete family. P.J. Is there literally to just be an occasional sounding board for Max, and his role could have gone almost entirely to Bobby Zimmeruski and no one would have known the difference. And Pete? His role offers two things: Give Goofy the idea to go on a vacation, and then let Goofy know that Max has changed the map. Those two things matter! They’re also extremely simple to write without Pete ever being in the movie. P.J. and Pete were in the movie entirely because Goof Troop established them as characters, and, well, they had to. I’m not complaining, because Pete is my favorite Disney character, and Rob Paulsen voices P.J. and deserves money, but c’mon. They didn’t matter.
Roxanne gets flirted with by the boys, but Lisa was pretty clearly the one all of them but Max were after (ugh, buncha objectifiers). Still, she also liked Max. They date after the movie. But between her dad making things difficult and the fact that we never hear from her at all in the sequel, this is a fling. But whatever, she’s going to be fine.
Bobby eats too much cheese. He’s going to be constipated, and he’s going to get fat, but he is always going to have fun on the way there.
And the minor characters?
So, listen: Does Bigfoot find more batteries for Max’s Walkman? Because if he does, this is the road to Bigfoot becoming civilized and developing. And if he doesn’t … this creature got a taste of music and loved it, and then had it ripped away from him. So what I’m saying is, either Bigfoot comes out fantastic after this and makes the world better, or he goes on a creature killing spree.
I want to say that Principal Mazur learned something from thinking that a perfectly fine kid who just pulled one “gonna sing silly” prank is going to end up in the electric chair and softened down the road, but this is a dude who said a kid who bumped him would be arrested, who suggested science slumber parties, who did all the nonsense he did. He’s the least self-aware person on the planet. He learns nothing.
And finally, do you think that little guy got his odd romantic episode? I hope he did.