The sandwich rules

(This is Bringing the Heat, an as-often-as-I-feel-like-it feature where I say something that will probably get me yelled at on Twitter.)

A hot dog is a sandwich. I don’t even want to fight that particular fight anymore, because it’s so stupid and played out. It’s handheld food between carbs. Just stop.

In fact, I want to take it a step further. A hot dog is a sandwich. Also sandwiches? Tacos, quesadilla, and burritos (assuming they are meant to be handheld). Yes, I said it, and I will brook no dissent.

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The sandwich is meant to be the simplest meal. You pick it up, you eat it. Elaborate rules about what makes a sandwich — “two pieces of bread!” “flat, not rolled!” — just unnecessarily complicate what is meant to be the simplest thing.

Here are the rules for what makes a sandwich:

• Are you meant to eat it with one or both hands?

• Is it protein (or protein-approximate) on the inside, carbs (or carbs-approximate) on the outside?

If yes to both, then sandwich. Literally, that’s it. Stop making sandwiches complicated. Stop playing sandwich bouncer. Sandwiches are the easiest food. Accept that and stop fighting.

(While we’re here: Just have a wrap. Unless it’s a peanut butter and jelly, a wrap is almost always superior.)