Ranking the best kids shows on TV

I’m a father of twin 2-year-olds. I work from home. I don’t have a dedicated office space. What I’m saying is, I work out of the living room, and the boys are also in the living room, and I watch a lot of kids show.

Disclaimer off the top: I wish the kids didn’t watch so much TV. I wish I was that parent who could just sit and play with them all day and only turn the TV on for, like, baseball games. But (a) when I’m working, I more or less have to have them distracted at least a little bit or else you’d read a pile of gibberish, and (b) I’m just not as good a dad as I’d probably like to be.

So I’ve seen these shows. I’ve seen these shows a bunch. I’ve seen them enough, in fact, that I feel I’m qualified to break down for you, the reader, these shows in order, worst to best, along with a few notable tidbits about them.

(Note that these are only the shows I’ve seen enough episodes of to feel qualified to evaluate. Caillou stinks, but then I saw it like twice when my nephew was 2 and my kids haven’t seen it at all. So if I omit your favorite young’un show, my bad.)

(Also, I tweeted a short version of this list a couple weeks ago, but I’ve added a few shows that I forgot and some things are re-ordered. This is official.)

(Sorry, so many parentheticals. My wife is criticizing me for this list, because some of the shows are geared toward infants and others are geared toward older kids. To which I say … yeah, probably. It’s my list. I see all these shows, and my kids see them too.)

16. Mickey Mouse

These are the shorts, about five minutes long, that air between shows a handful of times a day. They are awful. They make the characters all look varying degrees of homeless, the animation style is loathsome, and because the show just pops up unpredictably between better shows, it catches you by surprise and ruins your afternoon. Theoretically, these call back to the early Mickey aesthetic, but it takes all the worst parts of the early stuff and leaves behind the charm.

Best part: They’re only five minutes long.

Worst part: The mere existence. It’s so bad Bret Iwan, who is the official voice of Mickey Mouse, doesn’t even do his voice here, with the otherwise-delightful Chris Diamantopoulos taking the reins.

15. SpongeBob SquarePants

I’m cheating a bit here, because my kids have never actually seen SpongeBob, because my genius wife and I both agree that that infernal sponge is a scourge, and the kids aren’t even allowed to watch it. I don’t need to give you a recap. You know the dang show.

Best part: Every once in a long while, there is a genuinely funny moment. They’re just so few and far between.

Worst part: Is there a character on this show we are supposed to like? I guess Sandy, maybe? Everyone is so awful.

14. Paw Patrol

Dogs who fix problems. Mayor Goodway is the good mayor. Mayor Humdinger is a testament to the failures of the American democratic system, because he hasn’t been voted out of office yet. Also, the show is the most species-discriminating thing ever, because basically all the dogs are good and all the cats are bad, and that’s just weird.

Best part: I mean, I guess it teaches teamwork and cooperation?

Worst part: So this show airs on Nick Jr., and before every show it airs, the channel puts up a little “Kids who watch this show can learn XX.” Like in Umizoomi, they can learn math and stuff. So on and so forth. On Paw Patrol? There ain’t a lesson in there. Bless them for trying with “teamwork” and “problem-solving” and such, but the only education you can pull from watching Paw Patrol is “Hope you have magic dogs, friend.” So there’s no education for the kids, and there’s no humor for the adults. Y’all gonna have to explain to me why this show is popular.

13. Team Umizoomi

Milli, Geo, and Bot fix problems using math and patterns and such.

Best part: It’s genuinely cute. The kids love it. It starts, and Lucas says “Milli Geo Bot!” So for those purposes, it succeeds. (Also, the Troublemakers are fun when they pop up.)

Worst part: There is super-nothing in this show for adults. Like, they didn’t even try to make it entertaining for anybody older than 5.

12. Mickey Mouse Roadster Racers/Mickey Mouse Mixed-Up Adventures

It’s like Mickey, the next generation. Instead of solving problems and asking cute questions to toddlers, these are just narrative stories. Except … they’re all surprisingly boring. Like, it should all work, and it just … doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve grown to expect these characters to be younger-geared or what, but I’m always left feeling like it’s a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle that lost like three pieces. And they started it as Roadster Racers, but rebranded it as Mixed-Up Adventures after the second season.

Best part: There’s a nice expanded universe going on here, with recurring appearances from Patton Oswalt, Kate Micucci, Jay Leno (weird), Tim Gunn (weird), and others. So at least there are more than the dozen or so characters in Clubhouse, even if they don’t always work.

Worst part: Tony Anselmo has been the lone voice of Donald Duck for more than 30 years now. Except suddenly, this show comes out, and Daniel Ross is doing it. And it’s not like Anselmo retired — he still does Donald in DuckTales — but like Diamantopoulos taking over for Mickey, it just doesn’t work. Every middle-aged father (except me, I suck) has a Donald Duck imitation they can do for their kids, and that’s what this sounds like. It’s just not Donald.

11. Blues Clues & You!

Hey, it’s another reboot. The same little clue-leaving dog from however many years ago is back, now with Josh. I had never seen Blue do anything before this series, so I have no point of comparison between this and the old show. (Shows? Were there two?)

Best part: Genuinely cute. Josh is a good host, even if my wife assures me he’s a poor imitation of his predecessors.

Worst part: This is another one that just doesn’t have anything to offer adults. I’m not saying these shows need to be Shrek-ian in their “jokes for grown-ups” offerings, but the best ones acknowledge that parents are regularly going to be seeing them as well and try to at least toss them a joke every now and then.

10. Puppy Dog Pals

Harland Williams, of all people, is the creator and star of this one, about an inventor named Bob and his two puppies who go on missions. It’s enormously silly, with the puppies saying, like, “Let’s go to Madagascar!” and then just being there.

Best part: The songs tend to be on the cute side, and there’s very little in the way of bad guys. It’s mostly just “here’s an everyday problem that the puppies think is the most important thing in the world because their Bob is the center of their universe.

Worst part: Most kids shows at least pretend to try to teach some kind of lesson for kids. This one is just silly stories. The closest thing to a lesson is “Get along with each other,” I guess. Also, there was one episode where someone stole the Mona Lisa, and the puppies were like “Well, it’s the best painting in the world, so the thief probably would want to hang it on the best wall in the world,” so they go to the Great Wall of China … and they were right. In another, the world’s in a panic because the Pyramids of Egypt have disappeared, so the puppies go there and discover the pyramids haven’t gone anywhere, they were just covered up by a giant windstorm and the puppies found them because they like to dig. Like, some of the plotlines are good, and others are the dumbest things you’ve ever heard in your life.

9. Blaze & The Monster Machines

It’s like Cars for kids, with a bunch of monster trucks and monster truck-like things having adventures. The quasi-bad guys are named Pickle and Crusher, which means there is one thing called Pickle in the world that isn’t horrible.

Best part: Is this the only kids show with lessons specifically geared toward STEM education? It’s the only one I can think of. When I saw the ads for Blaze I thought they looked dumb, like Paw Patrol with trucks, but this one actually teaches genuine lessons, even if those lessons are sometimes surprisingly advanced for the target audience. Better too advanced than too remedial.

Worst part: The songs are pretty bad. Like, they’ll explain a scientific term in relatively accessible dialogue, then they’ll stop to sing a song about the lesson later, and a lot of the time it’s just the exact same explanation set to music.

8. Vampirina

Vampire family from Transylvania moves to Pennsylvania, and I 100% guarantee you that was the entire elevator pitch for getting the show picked up. Also, the list of voice actors is hilarious — James Van Der Beek as Vampirina’s dad, doing an unrecognizable accent; Lauren Graham as Vampirina’s mom, doing an unrecognizable accent; Mitchell Whitfield (Barry from Friends) as the house ghost, with a voice you probably wouldn’t recognize; and then Wanda Sykes as their gargoyle, sounding exactly like Wanda Sykes has always sounded in everything.

Best part: There’s this episode where they use magic to make lemonade, and the ghost and the gargoyle make the drink behind a curtain (because the Pennsylvanians can’t know about the magic and the monsters and such) and sing a song called “We’ve Got It Mate,” and every time that episode plays I sing that song to myself for like three straight days.

Worst part: There just isn’t much here. Half the episodes are “the neighbor boy is going to discover that we’re monsters!” When they try to be very creative, the episodes are strong, but all too often they don’t actually try that hard.

7. Doc McStuffins

You know this one. Daughter of a doctor who becomes a doctor for all of her toys … and eventually all the toys in the world.

Best part: The songs are catchy, and they have managed to get every actor in the world on the show at some point. I used to wonder what single song has been recorded by the most different singers, and then I saw Doc and realized it’s the “I Feel Better” song.

Worst part: Disney appears to hate it? Doc used to air every morning in about an hour block. Then about a year ago, it vanished. Which, if the show wasn’t being made anymore, I would get that. Only, there are still new episodes. About once every month or so, they’ll advertise and air a new episode on a Saturday morning, then air it once or twice that week, and then shuttle the show back off into the ether. Why does Disney hate Doc? Isn’t it still ridiculously popular?

6. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

The OG of kids shows for this generation. The characters have the silliest problems in the world and use a bunch of deus ex machina to solve them, but they do have the kid viewers help and teach them some half-lessons. Also, I have this running theory that the main characters are actually inpatients at a mental health facility, and Professor Von Drake is their doctor/caretaker, setting up situations and observing how they respond. Mickey has narcissistic personality disorder (every damn thing in the town is named after him), Donald has severe anger management problems, etc. If you can convince yourself you’re watching it as a clinical observer seeing innovative treatment, it becomes much more fun.

Best part: In the specific, the episode with Dick Van Dyke as Goofy’s pirate grandfather is wonderful. In the abstract, the best songs are great, and Pete is always a delight.

Worst part: Maddeningly inconsistent. There were 125 episodes. About 30-40 of them are genuinely fun, about 10-15 are genuinely good. But man, some of them are tedious. Also, the fact that Pete almost never gets to participate in the Hot Dog Dance, and by extension there is no Pete character walking around DisneyWorld, is a travesty.

5. T.O.T.S.

A penguin and a flamingo team up as baby deliverers in a world of only animals (the title means Tiny Ones Transport Service), the first non-storks to get the job. I thought I would hate this show. It’s obscenely cutesy. But dammit, it works.

Best part: The episodes actually teach really good lessons, about learning to love your family, about teamwork, about adoption and how family can come from anywhere. Also, Bodhi the high flyer is my favorite character ever.

Worst part: God, it’s cutesy. “Baby wabies” and such. Freddy the flamingo could dial down the cutesy by about a hundred.

4. Bubble Guppies

They’re mermaids, except the show literally never calls them mermaids. They’re just little kids with fish tails in a world of fish, lobsters, and crabs. One episode will be about how important it is to talk about your feelings or something, and then another one will be about “Hey, this is a cool rock.”

Best part: The ease with which some of these shows nail their songs, like this one, really illustrate how inexcusable it is for shows like Blaze to struggle with songs. I mean, I couldn’t do it, but I’m not making a kids show. Bubble Guppies has mostly delightful music. Also, the Lord of the Rings parody episode starring Jeffrey Tambor as the Night Wizard has the single most charming song in the history of kids shows. Also, I love Mr. Grumpfish.

Worst part: So the class of kids is seven strong (they introduced a seventh guppy this season), and their dedication to diversity in the group of guppies is pretty admirable. There are three white guppies, two black guppies, and one each that (I think) are Hispanic and Asian. At least, that’s what I think the races are. Except, of the four minority kids, three are barely featured. Gil (white) and Molly (Hispanic?) are the stars, Deema (white) and Nonny (white) are the most unique characters, and then there’s Goby (black), Oona (Asian?), and Zooli (black), who are usually there as filler. Like, if you’re gonna commit to the diversity, give the minorities more to do?

3. Wallykazam!

A little troll guy lives in his fairy tale world with his pet dragon. His friends include a giant and an ogre and a goblin and a swamp creature and a yeti and … you get it. He has a magic stick that can create things if they have that day’s given letter/letters/sound.

Best part: Okay, Wallykazam! has the best songs. The songs in “Dawn of the Zucchinis” or “The Rock Can Talk” or “Act Like Your Hat” are amazing. I have never looked to see if there’s a “music of Wallykazam!” album out there to buy, because if there is I’d buy it like eight times. Also, Stan of the Swamp is delightful.

Worst part: Well, there aren’t many episodes. Committing your bit to the idea of “each episode is based around words starting with a specific letter or combination of letters” really limits your range, so they only made 52 episodes between 2014 and 2017 and called it quits.

2. Muppet Babies

Remember this show from your youth? It’s back now, only with Summer Penguin as the sixth baby to go along with Kermit, Fozzy, Animal, Gonzo, and Piggy. I assume her addition was to slightly improve the gender balance. Otherwise, it’s largely the show you remember.

Best part: It’s a heaping helping of nostalgia for those of us who remember the show from our youth, coupled with a heaping helping of adorable for the kids watching now. My kids love “Kerpit” to the death. And man, when they nail a song, they nail a song.

Worst part: Frustratingly inconsistent. The two most recent episodes feature back-to-back excellent stories with great songs (“Beaker 2.0” and “When You Wish Upon A Rizzo”) in the first, and then back-to-back middling stories without any songs at all (“Chicken Round-Up” and “Summer’s Snow Cone Stop”). Like, balance those out, guys. At least commit to a minimum of one story with a song in each episode.

1. DuckTales

This is the best show ever. I already wrote about how good it is on Observer, but it’s worth reiterating: If this show were just tossed onto ABC as a prime-time animated show for adults, it would more than hold its own. It digs as deep into nostalgia as possible (seriously, we’ve gotten references to Gummi Bears and TaleSpin! and Darkwing Duck and about a dozen other shows) while still being fresh.

Best part: The triplets have unique personalities! Donald is a real character in this one, doing very awesome things! They make him a dedicated surrogate father to the boys, they explain his anger issues, they make him a three-dimensional character without betraying the Donald Duck we’ve come to know and love. And man, the best episodes, like “GlomTales!” and “Moonvasion!” and, like, a dozen others are so rewatchable. I literally just noticed a joke in “The Richest Duck in the World!” last week that I hadn’t noticed before, despite seeing that episode a dozen times. Chris Diamantopoulos (yes, this came full circle on him, and no, I didn’t plan that) as Storkules is the best character/voice actor in the history of ever. And finally, holy crap does this have the best cast ever. Most of these shows feature one or two voice actors you’ve heard of and then a bunch of nobodies filling it out. But man, every name in this cast is a star. Even the guests are like “Hey, let’s bring in this super famous somebody.”

Worst part: The villains are super well-conceived, from Flintheart Glomgold to Magica De Spell to Mark Beaks. The exception? The Beagle Boys (and Ma Beagle, voiced by the fantastic Margo Martindale) haven’t gotten a lot to do. And that despite the fact that they’re the most iconic DuckTales villains. And the animation does take a little of getting used to. It’s based on the original Uncle Scrooge comics, and I’ll admit that when it premiered I was a bit meh on the aesthetic (and my wife remains so). But once you get into it, it’s actually fantastic. You just have to commit to it.

Watch DuckTales. Just do it. Season Three is coming soon.