Oh, you saw a Magic Eye? NO YOU DIDN’T

(This is Bringing the Heat, an as-often-as-I-feel-like-it feature where I say something that will probably get me yelled at on Twitter.)

This one will be short, because I don’t have that many ways to say this or much argument to give:

Nobody has ever seen a Magic Eye picture.

You remember Magic Eye, right? Bunch of colored dots, supposedly if you squinted or unfocused your eyes or crossed your eyes or SOMETHING, the dots would materialize and you’d see, I don’t know, the Pope or something. And I say the “I don’t know” there because there was never any picture. You can tell me that you see Leonardo DiCaprio eating a banana split all you want, but you’re never going to convince me there was anything beyond swirly dots.

Basically, Magic Eyes were our generation’s Emperor’s New Clothes, and y’all were looking at a dumb naked king and saying that you could see a spaceship grabbing a cow or some nonsense. But the time has come to stop lying. There was never a picture in those. The king is naked. I am the lone small boy who doesn’t maintain the façade, and you can all admit the truth now.