The naked truth
How often are you naked? For most of it, I imagine the number is around twice a day — when you get dressed in the morning and when you get undressed at night (whether you add some sleep attire or not).
For Jordan’s ideal world, the answer would be ∞.
For those new to the life that is Daniel’s, I have twin 2-year-old boys — Jordan and Lucas. They are cute as can be. That’s all a defense mechanism, because if they weren’t as cute as they are … well, I wouldn’t do something to an ugly baby, of course, but damn if the cuteness doesn’t help their cause on occasion.
They say the Terrible Twos are, well, terrible. And I can’t speak to the ages to come, because they aren’t there yet, but I can see it. The kids are old enough and advanced enough now to be able to do things — climb, undress, demand things — but they haven’t mastered communication enough to (a) let us know what it is they want or, crucially, (b) understand when we explain to them why they can’t do a thing. This manifests in several ways, but the main one right now is the clothes. Both boys — but Jordan in particular — thinks clothes are really bad, evil things.
We’ve been fighting it lately. This has manifested in several ways:
First attempt: Generic baby clothes
This worked for a long time! Jordan was a baby! A little blob! He couldn’t do much at all, and it was wonderful.
Second attempt: Sleeper PJs/onesies
These worked for a while. Full-body pajamas, zipped to the top with a bonus snap over the top of the zipper for extra protection. Getting out of those was impossible for a long while.
Then one day, Lucas (first, then Jordan) figured out how to work the zipper. He would zip it about halfway down, then go full Superman and yank on the chest until the snap at the top came loose. It was cute as can be.
And I want to be clear: If they wanna take their clothes off, I don’t care even a little. If I had my druthers, I’d be naked most of the day myself (no one needs that). The problem is, they don’t stop at the clothes. The very second these little demons get their clothes off, the diapers follow. And for two kids who aren’t anything lie pottytrained, I am not even sort of okay with willy-nilly diaperlessness. Because they are two boys, and the “willy” is never “nilly.” My wife had the full diaperlessness experience and I’m not eager to share in that.
In short, PJs stopped working.
Third attempt: Onesies
Still full-body outfits, but this time the only fasteny part is a set of snaps under the crotch. No way to Superman those! Victory!
For a couple days. It took very little time for Jordan to figure out that those outfits are naturally loose. The kid managed to take those off by going down. He would fight his arms out the top and then wriggle painfully until he could scoot it down over his waist. We have so many onesies that are now so stretched out that I could wear them. So many.
Fourth attempt: Sleeper PJs … with a twist
After consulting a Facebook moms group she’s a part of, Laurie had an idea: Use those same pajamas (the footless ones), and put them on backward. The zipper’s in the back! Brilliant! They can’t get those off!
It worked pretty well, as long as we didn’t use PJs that were as loose as the onesies. Felt real smart. Until …
Freaking teamwork. They’re assholes, is what I’m saying.
Fifth attempt: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Laurie went back to her moms group for more help. The responses were all some variant on:
“OMG us too! Following this!”
“It’s just a phase, it’ll pass.”
“Well just don’t let them take it off.”
Everybody means well. Nobody helps.
We have a few little outfits that are so tight that Jordan can’t work his way out of them. And (thankfully) (so far) they are typically so distracted when we go out in public that they don’t bother with the stripping. That’s just a special perk for us at home.
But by and large, two-piece outfits (shirt and pants, you know, pretty normal) are off the table. Anything loose, out of the question. PJs with feet, nope, can’t do those backward.
We have a huge dresser, a full closet of little-boy clothes, stuff we got as gifts, stuff we bought, hand-me-downs, any number of adorable little outfits. And yet we’re stuck with a small rotation of about five outfits that we can keep them (mainly Jordan) in … and even those are often dicey propositions.
I guess my point is, when do they learn to keep their clothes on? Because I’m ready.