Applying for jobs when you hate yourself
So while I’m running this site, I’m also searching and applying for a new job that would actually be full-time. (You know, unless the $47 a month I’m getting through my Patreon is enough to sustain the family.) And let me tell you, the job application process is the least fun thing in the world.
That’s not news to anyone. Short of the absolutely top of their respective fields who can pick their landing spots from a host of suitors, nobody gets excited about hunting for a job, even less so when that job hunt is initiated by the fact that you were laid off from your last job and (a) have no choice but to look for a job and (b) lack the luxury of time to sit back and find just the right job.
Add to that some real mental health issues, and it’s that much harder. I’ve battled some form of depression (or anxiety, or ADHD, or something else) for most of my life. My family doctor prescribed me some meds about 10 years ago that I briefly took, but didn’t like them and stopped. More recently, my current doctor put me on a new cocktail of meds that I took for about a year without ever feeling a real effect. I saw a therapist early in January who suggested I might want to get screened for ADHD, which sent me back to my doctor, which sent me to a behavioral clinic, where I changed my entire cocktail of medicines and have started the official screening for ADHD — which the new doctor doesn’t believe I have, but whatever, it can’t hurt to check. In the meantime, I’m taking a different group of meds than the ones I was taking before, I still feel like they aren’t doing much if anything, and I spend the job application process vacillating between “gotta make myself sound awesome” and “it’s tough to make yourself sound awesome when you suck you piece of crap.”
I don’t say this for sympathy. A lot of people struggle with their emotions or their mental health, and I’m working on it, which is all I really can do. I will find a job, whether it’s still writing/editing or something else. I can fake enthusiasm for an application, at least until prospective employers google me and find this site. (Hey, prospective employers, my mental health does not impact my job performance!)
I struggle with some combination of anxiety, depression, and/or ADHD. I have no idea what combination it is. And, a point I’ve made in the past — I don’t know how much of it is undeserved. I just got laid off from a job I’ve had for nearly four years. That’s depressing. I’m close to losing my health coverage for me (fine, whatever), my wife, and my three kids, including one who has already dealt with significant health problems in his life (potentially very scary!). The fact that he appears to be fine now and moving forward is great, but if you could even read that sentence — let alone live it — without some anxiety, you’re some sort of robot. ADHD? I mean, maybe, but who doesn’t have some issue completing tasks?
The headline to this piece says “when you hate yourself.” I wanted to temper that headline, make it “when you aren’t happy with yourself.” And sometimes that’s more applicable. But sure, sometimes I hate myself. That’s frustrating, because I know what it was like to grow up with a depressed father who didn’t think he was worth much, and I don’t want my kids to have to go through that. It’s why I initially brought my problems to the doctor to begin with. It’s why I’m writing about this here — it’s therapeutic for me. But sure, sometimes I absolutely hate myself.
I don’t know how much of my problems are the fault of a slightly broken brain and how many are totally legitimate consequences of the life I live in. I also don’t know how much that matters. What I do know is that, unless I can start making about 10+ times what I current make from the Patreon (yes, I linked it again, c’mon, gimme money), the job hunt will continue, and the job hunt continuing means I’m going to have to continue to make myself awesome to people despite regularly not believing in that theoretical awesomeness myself.
(Again, prospective employers: I’m great! Love me!)